tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-226593452011-11-27T15:37:44.171-08:00"Lusty, violent, wildly funny ... the [kick-ass blog] to stop them all."<br> -Dorothy Parker.elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comBlogger6661100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-85163827028583181132007-11-07T20:39:00.000-08:002007-11-07T20:41:13.482-08:00

Never again.

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-59919428915135759872007-10-09T15:08:00.000-07:002008-12-11T12:16:57.643-08:00

It's nice to see Paul McCartney trying to revive his career by taking a page out of Gwen Stefani's book. It's always a nice move to accessorize with Asians.I can't wait to buy a pair of sweatpants with P.A.U.L. across the ass.

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-40665965554892555102007-10-09T14:01:00.000-07:002007-10-09T15:07:29.399-07:00

Here's a choice quote from last nights Monday Night Football telecast after Romo threw a pass directly to one of Buffalo's linemen, John DiGiorgio."It's not pizza, it's DiGiorgio."First of all, you got the line wrong. Substitute 'pizza' for 'delivery' and you're on the right track.Second, 'delivery' actually works better, joke-wise. Because Romo didn't mean to deliver the ball to the other team

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-85723785998591918682007-10-09T13:58:00.000-07:002007-10-09T14:01:41.487-07:00

A Futurama DVD is coming out soon. Let's see. It took 18 seasons of The Simpsons to make their movie. It took 3 seasons of Futurama to make theirs.By my reckoning, the Futurama movie will be 1/6th as good as the Simpsons movie.

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-50859359643573294852007-10-02T15:44:00.000-07:002007-10-02T15:47:01.130-07:00

I seriously hope she names him U-Turn.While we're on the subject, here's a note for the black guy at Trader Joe's who kept asking what an eggplant is: Please try to make it a bit harder for me next time, OK?

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-91844544884689864232007-10-02T15:42:00.000-07:002007-10-02T15:43:57.108-07:00

Dear NBC,Here's an idea for synergy:'To Catch A Predator' visits 'Kid Nation'.

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-43534612322260853352007-09-18T13:53:00.000-07:002007-09-18T13:55:00.431-07:00

I was so hoping this movie was going to be called 'Taxi Driver 2: Easy's Revenge'.Bummer.

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-32522675149717208422007-09-11T12:32:00.000-07:002007-09-11T12:36:47.462-07:00

Remember last week when that hooker got kicked off the plane for wearing too short* a skirt?At least now we know where Osama bin Laden isn't. In that chick's coot. Which makes him a minority of one.R.I.P. NYFD. This one's for you, boys. Let's roll, America!*It's actually not that the skirt has too short. It was that her vagina is too long.

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-29130102139756721922007-09-05T14:50:00.000-07:002008-12-11T12:16:57.837-08:00

I heard a thing on TV the other day where someone mentioned, "Gated communities for rich people."That's an important distinction, because there are also gated communities for poor people:

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-75162761437783575082007-09-05T14:48:00.000-07:002008-12-11T12:16:58.026-08:00

The difference? One walks around on Crocs and the other can't walk.

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-83829460417146555402007-09-05T14:39:00.000-07:002007-09-05T14:44:08.319-07:00

Hey, Entourage?I'll steer clear of the fact that nothing has happened for a season and a half.What I want to know if what's with M.I.A. three times int he last episode? Seriously?I'll tell you who's going to be M.I.A.: me, as soon this season is over.Zing!

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-56652311500460198962007-08-31T13:57:00.000-07:002007-08-31T13:59:40.670-07:00

Sorry I've been away so long, you pathetic groupies. I've been busy listening to the new Diplomats mixtape.I'll be back soon with some gems. Strap in*.*or on.

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-41113224314747515972007-08-08T15:05:00.000-07:002007-08-08T15:07:01.638-07:00

On the cover of Cosmo this month:"Julia Stiles - The least bitchy girl in Hollywood."

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-58568157348600686902007-08-08T12:35:00.001-07:002007-08-08T15:08:25.066-07:00

Here are some good names for rappers:C-WordTone Def

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-6084956769909723932007-08-03T12:22:00.000-07:002008-12-11T12:16:58.253-08:00

Dear Uproar Entertainment,I appreciate the ad detailing the acts I can book through you. It might not be a bad idea to remove the first guy from your list, though.

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-36636411117776795142007-08-03T12:15:00.000-07:002007-08-03T12:21:32.600-07:00

Last Friday was the best show in rock history since Woodstock 2. It took place at Roseland, in case you want to fact-check, but I promise these are real band names.Here's the line-up:Destination:OblivionSoul DistractionLung Invasion A.K.A. White Devil*Electric DoormatParishPufferColdrushStonestillAlmost SoberRighteous Indignation*This one is easily my favorite. I like to think that someone told

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-28286734250177802472007-08-02T15:35:00.001-07:002007-08-03T13:37:57.702-07:00

My brother and I were talking about the controversy around Paul Simon's 'Graceland'.Apparently he paid the African contributors to that album (which went, like, quadruple plutonium or something) next to nothing.Pretty shrewd, Paul Simon Legree.

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-63170990493008550482007-08-02T15:28:00.000-07:002008-12-11T12:16:58.405-08:00

I figured that he would dump her.You know, because she has crabs.

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-28984078247543408712007-07-28T12:00:00.001-07:002007-08-02T15:47:52.493-07:00

I got a call the other day from a number I didn't recognize.The caller was a woman of [English|New Zealish|Australian] extraction.Her: "Hello, Eli? This is Bernadette from Maseeda's Bins. You asked me to call you when the 2008 model arrived."(Huh? Bins? Like what, garbage bins? In what narcotized state did I decided that last year's model of bin wasn't sufficient?)Me: "Who?"Her: "

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-30416326051210262292007-07-23T20:14:00.000-07:002007-07-23T20:20:03.650-07:00

Someone wake me up they make 'Daddy AIDS Hospice'.

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-29599254017395932782007-07-23T11:28:00.000-07:002007-07-23T11:30:48.937-07:00

Amazingly, Ja Rule actually can still get arrested.

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-17676835930007933552007-07-20T12:27:00.000-07:002007-07-20T12:30:33.093-07:00

You know that ad in the elevator at the mall? The one that talks about how 'I' make you confident, alluring, etc.?The one that ends with 'I am your sunglasses'?Whoever wrote that totally went to college to learn how to write in the voice of sunglasses.Ha ha ha ha ha!

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-58351816576550357042007-07-20T12:25:00.000-07:002008-12-11T12:16:58.607-08:00

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-1866691838830856402007-07-13T00:34:00.000-07:002007-07-16T16:07:24.607-07:00

The bar downstairs is promoting a 'Heroin Chic' thing.So chic.Seriously. How hot is that?

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-17564220981709915632007-07-11T11:40:00.000-07:002007-07-20T12:31:21.616-07:00

Nice shorts.

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-85763159314318938852007-07-06T11:44:00.001-07:002007-07-06T11:48:26.348-07:00

For those of you who can't get sick of 'Entourage', here's a spin-off.*Ari, obviously.

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-54599117593259558172007-07-03T12:46:00.000-07:002007-07-03T12:48:01.632-07:00

Still busy. You get what you pay for.Here are some clever movie reviews:'Live Free Or Die Fart''A Mighty Fart''Transformers. Fart!'

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-35204307119091381222007-07-02T11:36:00.001-07:002007-07-02T11:37:50.035-07:00

Sorry, no posts lately.I've been tied up down at the courthouse trying to get my name changed.'Jean-Claude Van Halen' has a great ring to it.

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-63188731014500774962007-06-19T13:02:00.000-07:002007-06-19T13:06:18.348-07:00

Here are two of the most horrible dog show-inspired thoughts ever:1) A woman was explaining that her dog is retired from competition, but that she brings him to hospitals to play with cancer kids. She said, "It warms your heart from the inside."Sort of like chemotherapy.2) The Canaan dog used to run wild in Jerusalem, but was domesticated in the 1930s.Sort of like the Jews.

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-61023779224536893442007-06-19T12:56:00.000-07:002007-06-19T13:02:30.215-07:00

Have you seen the promos for 'Age Of Love'?Basically, a dude gets to screw old broads and young bimbos. Then he decides which he likes better.NBC is calling it the "greatest social experiment ever."I'd have gone with the Stanford Prison Experiment or, like, the Bill of Rights, but what do I know.Anyway - here's my pitch for a show:'AIDS Of Love'Twelve women. Eleven have AIDS. One doesn't.

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-78779460272221338002007-06-19T12:53:00.000-07:002007-06-19T12:56:17.673-07:00

The Portland Pride Parade was this Sunday. As if you didn't know.Initially, I thought it was on Saturday. Luckily it wasn't because it rained that day, and you know what that'll do to a feather boa.The best bumpersticker I saw that day:'Pro-Family, Pro-Fisting'It was on a Subara, naturally.

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-43334901775969343632007-06-14T10:28:00.000-07:002007-06-14T10:37:14.555-07:00

A good gift for the ladies in your life: a silent rape whistle.Because you want them to think you care, but who needs the racket?

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-35744083149957089552007-06-07T17:28:00.000-07:002007-06-07T17:36:40.429-07:00

I've had a couple of conversations in the last week about a touchy subject.There's a perceived behavioral tendency among dogs to associate with their own breed in groups where dogs of different breeds are represented. In my neighborhood that means that the Boston Terriers hang out with the Boston Terriers and the Pugs hang out with the Pugs.The thing is, that topic veers off in a pretty

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-30774664587670991342007-05-31T14:05:00.000-07:002007-05-31T14:07:16.415-07:00

So now will you assholes finally fucking kill yourselves already?In: kervorkian, hate

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-18032325242213267862007-05-31T13:25:00.000-07:002007-05-31T13:27:57.950-07:00

A thriller starring Kevin Costner and Dane Cook?I want to be a murder victim in this movie just to end my life in a world where this exists.In: shitty movies, mr brooks

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-4233242946828438612007-05-30T18:35:00.000-07:002007-05-30T18:38:36.615-07:00

I'm conflicted about the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.One one hand, it destroyed two cities and countless lives. On the other hand it ended WWII, and no-one's used a nuclear weapon since.One argument that I heard this weekend is that if we hadn't nuked Japan we wouldn't have Godzilla movies.I remain unswayed.In: godzilla

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-75900138589050935402007-05-30T18:31:00.000-07:002007-05-30T18:34:58.068-07:00

If it is so hot that you can't stand to wear a shirt you should remove your stocking cap.This is doubly true when you're on the bus.In: gross dudes

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-3103127760698242462007-05-23T10:37:00.000-07:002007-05-23T10:42:53.147-07:00

Here's Rosie talking about how she doesn't have a period for a long time and then when she does it's a gusher.The first thing that came into my head was what happens when someone gets killed in 'Fist Of The North Star'.

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-24665180888796445902007-05-23T10:31:00.000-07:002007-05-23T10:36:33.881-07:00

I hope they win another Pulitzer for this one.New flash: Coke didn't stop getting people high on January 1st, 1990.

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-38218252985509515322007-05-16T19:49:00.000-07:002007-05-16T19:59:29.735-07:00

Here's why Canadian phone sex doesn't work.Nobody gets turned on when they hear, "Oh, baby. I'm aboot to take it oot."

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-78645646066518561722007-05-12T21:35:00.001-07:002007-05-12T21:36:28.603-07:00

Rosie's menopause / period = fist of the north star.pissing contests

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-76477991927198277112007-05-10T20:43:00.000-07:002007-05-10T20:50:49.032-07:00

I've got a million dollar idea.You know how ironic accessories are all the rage with hipsters?How come no-one sells ironic cologne.I'm thinking Hi Karate, Drakar Noir*, Brut. That kind of thing.*Only ironic if you aren't a black dude.Tags: marketing, cologne

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-82732253681416250962007-05-10T20:03:00.000-07:002007-05-10T20:43:35.684-07:00

I invented the best drink last night.It's called a 'Trainspotter'.You mix Scotch and benzodiazepines in your stomach.It'd be more appropriate to use heroin, but my doctor is kind of a prick about prescribing it.Tags: drugs, trainspotting

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-4043310573261335032007-05-08T10:00:00.000-07:002007-05-08T18:36:39.784-07:00

Did you ever go to buy a copy of Elemental magazine and end up with a copy of Sentimentalist instead?Those two typefaces are a little too close for comfort, and it's not cool to expect Trick Daddy and get Death Cab For Cutie instead.Also, I walked by the bar downstairs* the other day. it was all asymetrical hair dyed black and ironic mustaches.I was all, "Jeez - it looks like a Fallout Boy

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-7677890483461072522007-05-02T23:47:00.000-07:002007-05-02T23:52:41.129-07:00

I'm thinking of getting a 'Free Phil Spector' t-shirt. What do you guys think?The contrarian argument is that it's not cool to joke about that - that she's a human being.But then again, so are a lot of people.In: lana clarkson, phil spector

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-20932903008593731592007-04-25T21:32:00.000-07:002008-12-11T12:16:59.207-08:00

Seriously, I can't be the first person to notice that Eddie Izzard look a lot like that dude from Throbbing Gristle.Nope, I can't be.In: eddie izzard, genesis p-orridge, trannies

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-60446291707404734942007-04-25T18:39:00.000-07:002007-04-25T18:42:28.247-07:00

Holy shit - One of my posts got linked to in a BusinessWeek article.Hopefully this'll gloss over the whole heroin thing at my High School reunion.In: businessweek, fame

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-6907534490801969822007-04-25T16:39:00.001-07:002007-04-25T18:35:53.481-07:00

I'm seeing a ton of commercials for KY Intrigue lately, and I think I'm going to pick some up.Because you know what's intriguing to me? The butt.In: butt sex, lube

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-22778977429033029252007-04-24T08:28:00.000-07:002008-12-11T12:16:59.405-08:00

Here's a really funny story about Val Kilmer having to poop.Seriously - even Greenpeace wouldn't mind if you clubbed this baby seal.Via BWE.In: val kilmer

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-22711379811129292292007-04-24T08:23:00.000-07:002007-04-24T08:26:54.311-07:00

Did anyone else watch this week's Sopranos?Not for nothing, but I think it might be a bit soon to for an episode where an Asian dude with close-cropped hair explodes into a fit of irrational violence.In: virginia tech, sopranos

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-45060130517221649762007-04-24T08:21:00.000-07:002007-04-24T08:23:01.328-07:00

This show is the only possible justification for the Sean Bell shooting.In: wedding crashers, sean bell

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-60928695327963320012007-04-23T10:40:00.000-07:002007-04-23T11:06:04.307-07:00

Here's an excerpt from last night's '60 Minutes' segment on the stop snitchin' phenomenon.Here's some choice cuts from Cam'ron that I've stolen from Nah Right:On whether or not he would rat out a serial killer in his neighborhood: "If I knew the serial killer was living next door to me? I wouldn’t call and tell anybody on him — but I’d probably move. But I’m not going to call and be like, ‘The

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-74715086830540018522007-04-23T10:18:00.000-07:002008-12-11T12:16:59.813-08:00

It's pretty safe to say that she's listening to this, right?In: m.i.a.

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-16813334223196384172007-04-16T13:45:00.000-07:002007-04-16T13:48:09.187-07:00

You know how Alfred Hitchcock used to appear in a cameo in all of his movies?This movie has continued that tradition. Look for 'Rear Window' as the entire plot of this movie.Also, Who LaWho?In: disturbia

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-77414164220957636562007-04-16T13:22:00.000-07:002007-04-16T13:25:47.465-07:00

Want to spend an hour and a half listening to dialogue written for hot chicks by a coked out nerd? Already seen 'Faster Pussycat, Kill, Kill'? Well, this might be your movie.The best part is the fake trailer for 'Machete' starring Danny Trejo, or, as I like to call him, Edward James Almost*.*Yes, I have been saving that joke for 6 months. You're welcome.In: grindhouse

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-13642944109134225262007-04-11T12:45:00.000-07:002007-04-13T08:37:00.432-07:00

You know, it might be too soon for a retrospective of Anna Nicole Smith nudes.Nice work, this month's Playboy. Now my boner is as dead as she is.In fact, I think I'll throw out all of my Eleanor Roosevelt porn, too.In: anna nicole smith, playboy

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-89319366047209543162007-04-05T10:40:00.000-07:002007-04-05T10:44:41.222-07:00

I made a rare trip through the part of my office where work happens today. Big mistake.One of the phone monkeys has a giant piece of paper taped to her monitor that reads, "Forgive them, Lord, for they know not what they do."I know that working a customer service job sucks, but this seems a little grandiose. Let's keep in mind that the last guy to say that was being nailed to a fucking tree.In:

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-86683505582903432092007-03-30T10:52:00.000-07:002007-03-30T10:54:32.301-07:00

NYC garbage goes to Ireland?Doesn't it usually work the other way around?In: irish

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-89291786685258104052007-03-30T10:27:00.000-07:002007-03-30T10:33:37.752-07:00

Let me first say that this movie isn't half bad. It's definitely better than 'The Illusionist'.As many people have pointed out, though, the whole 'prestige' thing (it's what the punchline of the magic trick is called) is a bit thin.On the other hand, I can't wait to work it into my sex life. If I ever get laid again, I'll make sure that 'the prestige' is spectacular. The important part is to

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-297385553629962082007-03-29T17:01:00.000-07:002007-03-29T17:08:59.419-07:00

This is a video of two otters holding hands.And this is Woody Harrelson (sort of) jerking off.In: video

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-85619220824758684602007-03-29T11:56:00.000-07:002007-03-29T12:06:41.958-07:00

I saw a bumper sticker (on a beat-up Volvo, natch) that said 'Throwing Muses University' in a college-y font.Honestly, I'm not 100% sure that school is fully accredited. Also, Throwing Muses? Really?In: throwing muses

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-10795429072714632582007-03-28T00:23:00.000-07:002007-03-28T00:27:05.961-07:00

We've made Sarah Jessica Parker jokes a lot around here, but I think I've finally perfected the craft.Check this out:Secretariat Jessica ParkerIn: sarah jessica parker

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-82109203633624327672007-03-21T12:45:00.000-07:002007-03-21T12:50:54.308-07:00

I think it's fairly widely excepted that if white people had a song it would be by John Cougar Mellencamp.But which song? I'm leaning toward 'Hurts So Good' at the moment.In: white people, john cougar mellencamp

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-28061670965201565542007-03-15T21:43:00.000-07:002007-03-15T21:47:16.236-07:00

I've seen this one and the original. Compared to the new one, I can honestly give the one with Ernest Borgnine an earnest Borg-ten.In: poseidon

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-11958340012360571162007-03-12T08:22:00.001-07:002007-03-12T08:22:47.252-07:00

AscertainCaucusIn: dirty words

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-58181333007996916872007-03-12T08:20:00.000-07:002007-03-12T08:21:52.745-07:00

It's better than 'Chumscrubber'.In: thumbsucker, chumscrubber

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-14884654067031676662007-03-06T17:15:00.000-08:002007-03-06T17:20:02.006-08:00

Did you guys watch 'Heroes' last night?They introduced a new bad guy. She dresses all hot topic (she's evil, get it?) and she has two super powers:1) Shape changing2) ZitsAnd speaking of high definition not being your friend, is Malcolm McDowell made of clay? Yikes.In: heroes, acne

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-21179318202522758512007-03-05T18:13:00.000-08:002007-03-05T18:18:58.973-08:00

Today at work someone asked me what VOIP is. I guess because I'm relatively young I know about stuff like Tivo and blogs.I briefly explained it to her, and she said, "OK. Because I got a 'VOIP For Dummies' book in the mail today, and I didn't know what it was about."Do they have Cliff Notes versions of those 'Dummies' books? Maybe that'd help.In: voip, dummies

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-32276190836152838562007-03-05T15:01:00.000-08:002007-03-05T15:02:32.961-08:00

I just saw this on Saturday. It's hilarious.In: saturday night live

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-67467206510698788792007-03-05T09:41:00.000-08:002007-03-05T09:46:27.170-08:00

Unlike Jonathan Swift, I'm completely serious about this.This country would be a much better place if we change the right to vote just a little bit. From now on, anyone who votes for 'American Idol' is no longer eligible to vote for President.Also, we should eat Irish babies.In: american idol

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-72242792345312825282007-02-27T15:40:00.000-08:002007-02-27T15:51:57.714-08:00

The show so nice*, we reviewed it twice!OK - so the main guy in this show is one of those "I tried to get out but they keep pulling me back in" types.You know how I know? Because (aside from telling us as much) the writers also show him drawing a picture! So, clearly he's going to make it all 10 blocks from Hell's Kitchen to the Museum of Modern Art.The best part is that being able to draw has

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-37385134591235643532007-02-27T08:35:00.000-08:002007-02-27T08:45:38.700-08:00

More like 'State Of Grace 90210'.I saw that it is written by Paul Haggis and assumed it's race-baiting disguised as heavy-handed parable. Faith and begorrah - I was right!In: the black donnellys

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-88631030998831724582007-02-26T10:09:00.000-08:002008-12-11T12:17:00.469-08:00

There's a Cadillac commercial that uses 'The Sunny Side Of The Street' by The Pogues.Most of the commercial is instrumental, but they did opt to include the lines where Shane McGowan describes himself as having "a heart full of hate and a lust for vomit."Awesome.On the other hand, would you buy a car from this man?In: cadillac, pogues

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-45008611779192296462007-02-26T10:03:00.000-08:002007-02-26T10:07:44.424-08:00

I have no idea where this came from, but I was thinking about those bumper stickers that say, "Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did but backward and in heels."The first thing that popped into my head was, "Yeah, but he probably had to listen to her bullshit."P.S. When I told Mrs. Sandwich about this, her response was, "Wow. You must really hate me."In: misogyny

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-45366695524451513692007-02-21T13:04:00.000-08:002007-02-21T13:06:01.364-08:00

What do you make of a truck with the following two bumperstickers?'Meat Is Murder'Confederate flagIn: crackers, hippies

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-86919359652970120072007-02-20T09:55:00.000-08:002007-02-20T09:57:29.156-08:00

Imagine if you took 'Amadeus' and replaced perhaps the greatest musical achievements in human history with card tricks. And then nothing happens.In: the illusionist

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-4988794952660742222007-02-13T14:53:00.000-08:002007-02-08T12:19:59.689-08:00

Mrs. Club Sandwich is showing her students 'Stand And Deliver'.She doesn't think it's funny to suggest that she show 'American Me' instead. My logic: both have Edward James Olmos, but her students will likely spend more time in the institution depicted in the latter than the former.In: the children are our future

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-63642892763952107072007-02-07T10:10:00.000-08:002007-02-07T12:27:28.761-08:00

I'm only mentioning that this is 100% true because you're not going to believe it.I had a new washing machine delivered today because that's how I ball.The guy who installed it called the delivery in to his dispatcher and gave her the delivery confirmation number.He was reading off the letters in the confirmation number like "N as in Nancy," as is typical. But when he got to 'X' he said, "X as

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-64235078850874939692007-02-06T12:48:00.000-08:002007-02-06T12:53:16.861-08:00

For the record, we think 'Bazooka' is a great name for a girl.It's nice to know that blacks in the future use the same method of naming kids they use today. Look around and pick the name of a thing you see. It certainly worked for Nivea's mom.Another suggestion for the name of a future baby:'Dystopia'.In: children of men, blacks

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-17653183594945881282007-02-06T12:44:00.000-08:002007-02-06T12:48:15.033-08:00

We saw these things in this chronological order:1) A guy carrying a yoga mat.2) A guy playing Pet Shop Boys and Echo and the Bunnymen at a vintage arcade.3) A guy walking out of a cyber-cafe while blowing bubbles with a bubble wand.In: gays

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-10109625504387291172007-02-02T19:24:00.000-08:002007-02-02T19:28:13.102-08:00

Here's a multiple choice question.The Hole is:A) Some crappy movie with absolutley no likeable charactersB) The thing in the plot that you can drive a truck throughC) Kiera Knightley's on-set nicknameAlso, Kiera Knightley playing a bulimic? Isn't that like Lassie playing a dog?In: the hole, kiera knightley

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-39366713721161446902007-02-02T09:27:00.000-08:002007-02-02T09:35:58.377-08:00

Twink-of-the-moment Clay Aiken has a CD called 'Measure of a Man'.Legendary actor Sidney Poitier's autobiography is called 'The Measure of a Man'.The thing is, Sidney Poitier's book came out after Clay Aiken's CD. I find it impossible to believe that the former didn't know about the latter.On the plus side, neither went with their working titles: 'Black Inches'.In: clay aiken, sidney poitier

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-21647432089681778242007-02-02T09:18:00.000-08:002008-12-11T12:17:02.263-08:00

Dear American Apparel,The Sandwich staff loves your products. We're wearing one of your hoodies right now, and it is unbelievably comfortable.We also love your generally perv-y take on things.We even like (although we ain't no fags or nothing) the fact that you stock 'Butt' magazine at your stores; that's easily the best name for a magazine ever.We do have to take exception to one thing,

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-20738213277574946542007-02-01T23:06:00.000-08:002007-02-01T23:09:02.009-08:00

Remember this?In: crispin glover, david letterman

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-82671712369711749462007-01-31T13:25:00.000-08:002007-01-31T13:54:21.280-08:00

If you're a fan of rap music and NPR, you're in the very small area on the Venn diagram where those two things intersect.Also, you should read this. It's spot-on.In: rap music, npr, the sound of young america

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-24239715940823833502007-01-30T10:19:00.000-08:002007-01-30T10:24:48.024-08:00

During last week's State Of The Union address, Bush did the typical 'gallery of heroes' thing where he honored a few notable Americans.One of them was the lady who made those stupid 'Baby Einstein' videos.Could we hold off on patting her on the back until one of those mewling little shits comes up with a unified field theory, please?In: baby einstein, bush

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-88724002991560125172007-01-29T21:04:00.000-08:002007-01-29T21:06:54.301-08:00

Decemberists Get Embroidery Treatment Bonus points for making 20% of the article an extended pun about 'spinning yarns.' In: decemberists

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-18551265215092383102007-01-29T20:40:00.000-08:002007-01-29T20:47:00.991-08:00

I haven't seen this yet, but I'm not going to let that stop me.Jim Carrey plays a schizo who keeps seeing the titular (hee hee) number everywhere.If they can work excessive flatulence into his diagnosis, I think we may be talking Oscar.Anyway, I don't want to freak you guys out, but Michael Jordan's number was 23. And it's also Lebron James'.Coincidence? Or more?!In: the number 23, jim carrey,

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-65192571066497630702007-01-29T20:31:00.000-08:002007-01-29T20:37:55.696-08:00

Angelina Jolie's mom died of cancer on Saturday.Put away your pink ribbons, though. I'm guessing that if it had been breast cancer she probably could have found a donor.In: angelina jolie, boobs, marcheline bertrand

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-54159139540644945652007-01-25T17:30:00.000-08:002007-01-25T17:31:42.136-08:00

Today's quote of the day on my Goole homepage is:"It is always easier to believe than to deny. Our minds are naturally affirmative." - John BurroughsMy first thought when I read it:"Nah. I don't buy that."In: quotes, irony

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-7197391188632461602007-01-23T12:44:00.000-08:002007-01-23T12:54:55.726-08:00

Working indoors is always preferable to working outdoors.The only exception is a prison laundry or a license plate manufacturing facility, but at least the commute isn't too bad.They should put up signs that say, "If you worked here, you'd be home right now."In: prison

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-2568655672411762822007-01-22T19:56:00.000-08:002007-01-23T07:50:14.135-08:00

Great work, T. G. I. Friday's.Green bean fries? Ugh - someone just fly a plane into me already.In: T.G.I. Friday's

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-45450332143134598132007-01-19T10:49:00.000-08:002007-01-19T13:26:40.969-08:00

It was a pretty lame scene at Paragon last night. Even for Paragon.First of all, if you look like Mario Batali you have no business being a DJ.Second, this is aimed at the dude in the Von Dutch trucker cap. Dude - seriously? I'm amazed you can still buy those fucking things. Jesus - you might as well wear Uggs. Or fucking kill yourself.In: nightlife

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-11136794932057907632007-01-18T14:58:00.000-08:002007-01-18T15:19:14.895-08:00

Dear Jackass,You brought leftover pizza to work for lunch every day last week. What that means is that either you order pizza every night, or, more likely, ordered a bunch of pizza one night and rationed it out to yourself over the next five days.The thought of that made me a little sad for you, and I couldn't get it out of my head.I know you are in your 40s and live alone except for a cat. I

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-20357449377231721922007-01-18T14:35:00.000-08:002007-01-18T14:39:51.581-08:00

I basically took the last two days off (i.e. worked from home) due to snow and was looking forward to coming back to the office to get some work done.I've spent 100% of my time today reading fart jokes on a bunch of shitty blogs.Even having accomplished far more at home I still find this a shitty argument for telecommuting.In: working from home

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-46892081907370476932007-01-18T10:04:00.000-08:002007-01-18T10:12:34.468-08:00

For the record, a really good movie.But I have to ask - how many times did this guy successfully land a plane? In the movie number is two. Every other time there was some disaster that nearly killed him.This movie should have been called 'The Really Shitty Aviator'.Also, Cate (sic) Blanchett won Best Supporting Actress for playing Katherine Hepburn. And proud we all are of her, I'm sure.The

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-44540253269865376452007-01-18T09:58:00.000-08:002007-01-18T10:04:32.670-08:00

I have a Netflix account. My computer obviously knows that because when I go to their site I am logged in and can manipulate my queue without providing credentials.Why is it, then, that when I'm dicking around on the internet, I still get pop-ups for Netflix? Aren't those ad dollars better spent on someone who isn't an existing customer? Can you honestly tell me that the technology to

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-30875967404261309202007-01-15T14:59:00.000-08:002007-01-15T15:01:45.189-08:00

Julia Roberts > Andie MacDowell > Nancy TravisIn: actresses

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-44975836650645983152007-01-15T14:56:00.000-08:002007-01-15T14:59:34.785-08:00

Happy MLK day!I'm showing my solidarity with black people by also not going to work.In: racism

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22659345.post-53543980640845922062007-01-15T01:55:00.000-08:002007-01-15T02:15:50.415-08:00

We'd love a heavy metal awards show. Let's call it the Lemmys.Best album can be handed back and forth every year between Slayer for 'Reign in Blood' and Iron Maiden for 'Powerslave'. Once per decade The Cro-Mags, Suicidal Tendencies, or Anthrax will win.On further reflection, maybe there should be a hall of fame consisting of Zepplin, Sabbath, Deep Purple, Blue Oyster Cult, Jethro Tull, Iron

elihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04477290393410323360noreply@blogger.com