Because They Look Like Juelz Santana. Get It?

Sorry I've been away so long, you pathetic groupies. I've been busy listening to the new Diplomats mixtape.

I'll be back soon with some gems. Strap in*.

*or on.

The Definition Of Damning With Faint Praise

On the cover of Cosmo this month:
"Julia Stiles - The least bitchy girl in Hollywood."

The Second One Is Better With A Line Over The 'O', But What The Fuck Key Does That?

Here are some good names for rappers:
C-Word
Tone Def

Comedian Plus Tragedy Plus Time Equals Comedy?

Dear Uproar Entertainment,

I appreciate the ad detailing the acts I can book through you. It might not be a bad idea to remove the first guy from your list, though.

What Does A Stripper Do With Her Asshole Before Work? Drops Him Off At Band Practice.

Last Friday was the best show in rock history since Woodstock 2. It took place at Roseland, in case you want to fact-check, but I promise these are real band names.

Here's the line-up:
Destination:Oblivion
Soul Distraction
Lung Invasion A.K.A. White Devil*
Electric Doormat
Parish
Puffer
Coldrush
Stonestill
Almost Sober
Righteous Indignation

*This one is easily my favorite. I like to think that someone told them that 'White Devil' comes off as super racist so they decided to become a stoner band.

'Graceland' Is A Great Name For A Plantation, By The Way

My brother and I were talking about the controversy around Paul Simon's 'Graceland'.

Apparently he paid the African contributors to that album (which went, like, quadruple plutonium or something) next to nothing.

Pretty shrewd, Paul Simon Legree.

A Little 'Rid' Might Help...

I figured that he would dump her.

You know, because she has crabs.