Join the club (sandwich!): November 2006

11/30/2006

Still, He's WAY Better Than Bush

I just heard an interview with this guy on NPR.
Let me give you the high notes:

gay
crack-addicted
piss-drinking
violinist

His plan is to run for Prime Minister of Canada.

I know there's not much chance of any Canadians ever getting internet connections and stumbling across this.

Even so, this is the sort of thing that makes Americans suspect that you can't be left on your own.

(In all seriousness, I'd vote for him in a heartbeat.)

How Cool Would It Have Been If Hellboy Had Been In 'Shortcuts'?

Did anyone else watch Tom Waits on 'The Daily Show'?

Actually, who cares what you watched because that's what we're talking about today. My blog, my rules.

So - when was the exact moment when Tom Waits went from cartoon parody to cartoon parody of the cartoon parody he used to be? I know that was a bit much, but try to keep up.

Also - is his music only for pretentious 22-year-olds who wear fedoras and smoke pipes?

The answer to the first question is either 'Swordfishtrombones' or when he won the Grammy for 'Bone Machine'. You pick; both are acceptable.

The answer to the second questions is obviously, you twat.

Finally, I know I'm not breaking any new ground here, but WTF:

11/28/2006

Both Are Totally Pointless, But One Has Tailgating!

Did any of you watch the civil war game between OSU and UO this weekend? In case you missed it, here's the Club Sandwich highlight reel:

11/27/2006

Separated At Birth: This Is Where I'd Make A Joke Using One Of Her Song Titles If I Knew Any

Did anyone watch Pink singing before the Indy / Philly game last night? Something (other than her shitty, shitty song) was bothering me.

And then it hit me - I saw her earlier that day playing defense for the Bears.

In: Pink, Brian Urlacher

Movie Reviews: Two For The Money

If a version of 'Devil's Advocate' where the lawyers are replaced by guys who play fantasy football sounds good to you then fuck you.

11/20/2006

Club Sandwich Joke Challenge!

(Deson't that sound like a Japanese gameshow?)

My friend Laura sent me this story and thought I could write a joke with the following setup:
"Two Columbians, a Guatemalan, and a Sri Lankan walk into a bar..."

I'm happy to say that the first thing that popped into my head was:
"...and ten minutes later, River Phoenix was dead on the sidewalk."

Booyah.

I'm Going To Smash The State Right After I Finish This Orange Julius

This weekend I went to the mall.

While I was there, I learned that there is nothing hypocritical about buying Pokemon video games while wearing a back-patch that reads, "World Trade is a death machine."

11/17/2006

The Story Of Why We Haven't Been Able To Get The Phrase 'Fisting Your Life Partner' Out Of Our Head For Three Days

I saw a truck with these bumperstickers a few days ago:
'L7'
'Die, MTV, Die'

First, I'm pretty sure they played 'Pretend We're Dead' on MTV a few times.

I'm also pretty sure that hating MTV is about a '2' on the iconoclasm Richter scale right after hating Nazis and being against the heat death of the sun.

Really, so you're saying that 'My Super Sweet 16' sucks? Man, what a fresh and insightful take on a cultural phenomenon.

Anyway, the climax of my disgust was when I thought, "Jesus Christ, I'm surprised that you can still drive your Rav-4 while you're fisting your life partner."

That's when it occurred to me that I might have been overreacting. What do you think?

An Open Letter To Blogger

Dear Blogger,

No, fuck you.

Thank You, Little Baby Jesus, For These Lady Lumps. They Are Lovely.

We hate Fergie. Here's another reason why:
"Singing is a gift from God, and when people say I can't sing, it's kind of like insulting God."

Set aside the solipsism for a minute even though you could totally stop there.

Which gift would you rather get from God? Let's say you have a choice between the Hallelujah chorus from Handel's 'Messiah' or this:
I'm Fergalicious (so delicious)
My body stay vicious
I be up in the gym just working on my fitness
He's my witness (oooh wee)
I put yo' boy on rock rock
And he be lining down the block just to watch what I got (four, tres, two, uno)

You know what, God? Fuck you for making me choose.

11/16/2006

I Also Need A Buggy Whip And Some Spats

You can still buy these. So if you're poor then bonus, I guess.

11/15/2006

I Love That Beatles Album "Goat's Head Soup"

I'm busy. Go play in traffic.

In the meantime, here's The Game comparing his new record to B.I.G.'s 'Reasonable Doubt'.

See if you can spot what's wrong with that.

Here's a clue: it's weird how much Biggie looks like Jay-Z on the cover...

11/11/2006

They Don't Have OJ Simpson - I Checked

There is this company called Fathead that makes these super classy giant stickers of football players that you put on your wall.

I heard a commercial for them the other day that said that their product will "suck the air out of a room."

I'm no interior decorator, but I'm inclined to agree. I'm just not sure I'd consider that a benefit of their product.

Also, They Got The Date Wrong

In case anyone was curious about where Wal-Mart stands politcally.

11/10/2006

When They Showed Me The Money I Shat My Pants

William Shatner is hosting a new game show called 'Show Me The Money'.

Set aside the title of the show - that it is a lame jock / business school reference to a shitty movie from 10 years ago that only idiots like.

Here's a sampling of phrases (with accompanying graphics) from a commercial I just saw:
"You don't know shat"
"Shat-tastic"
"Shat-stounding"
"Shat-rageous"

Worst Rap Names Ever: Reppin' The 503

For the record, my eyes glaze over when anyone says, "I had a dream last night... " Oh, really? I love boring, nonsensical, fake stories that don't go anywhere - tell me more!

I'll keep this short, though.

I had a dream last night that I was asked to name all of the famous rappers from Portland.

I could only come up with one name:

The Notorious B.I.G. Foot.

Separated At Birth: Scary Old Men Edition

Isn't it weird that Rumsfeld resigns and then two days later Jack Palance dies?

I mean, has anyone ever seen these two in the same room at the same time?

By the way, since I've gotten some much mileage out of these 'separated at birth' things, I feel like I should mention that Spy Magazine has a new book out. You should probably buy it.

Separated At Birth: Gender Reassignment Edition

VI Warshawski vs. Larry Wachowski

For extra credit, which would you rather bone?

11/09/2006

His Take On Those Sales Won't Even Cover Tonight's Bail

Ron Artest's debut rap CD sold 343 copies in its debut week.

Maybe he should stick to what he does best: kicking the shit out of fans.

(By the way - if you haven't watched that video recently, do yourself a favor.)

11/08/2006

Election Wrap-up: Bush Is The Only Member Of The Republican Party Who Doesn't Have An Alcohol Problem, Rumsfeld Goes On Double-Secret Probation

From an NPR story just now:
"In a press conference today President Bush appeared sober..."

In his position and in light of yesterday's election I can't say I'd have the same restraint.

Also, the president of Texas A&M is going to replace Rumsfeld? Well, good luck, Dean Wormer. I hope you do better against the Iraqi insurgents than you did against Delta House.

(I've stretched that 'Animal House' joke to its breaking point, I know)

Go, Fighting Macacas!

Let me get political on your ass for a second. I promise I'll be brief and shallow.

Jim Webb and George Allen are virtually neck-and-neck in the Virginia senate race. Webb appears to have pulled slightly ahead, but it's still close.

Keep in mind this is the same George Allen who trotted out 'macaca' as a racial slur and kept a confederate flag and a noose in his office.

This race has been characterized as splitting the vote between women for Webb and men for Allen. Allen's draw is supposedly the 'football vote' - his dad is a Hall Of Fame coach.

So, basically, in Virginia, people will vote for a blatant and aggressive sociopath provided he has some link to professional football.

At this point, The Club Sandwich would like to announce its support of a Bill Romanowski / Ray Lewis ticket in 2008.

Vote or fucking die.

Easily The Worst Joke You'll Hear All Day, And Probably The Last Time Anyone Will Hear About This Show

There's a soon-to-be-canceled show coming out called 'Day Break' starring Taye Diggs.

The premise is that he is a (presumably gangsta-ass) cop who is framed for something or other. He tries to clear his name, and then the next day the same thing happens again. For, like, 13 episodes, if you can believe that.

I've come up with two alternate titles for you consideration:
1) 'Taye Break'
2) 'Groundhog's Taye'

11/07/2006

If A Tree Falls In The Forest Does Anyone Fucking Care?

Here's a head-scratcher.

Are you still considered a MILF if you are 25 years old?

11/06/2006

The Scary Part Is That The Quarterback Is The Brains Of The Team

Matt Hasselbeck is injured, so The Seahawks started Seneca Wallace as QB against Oakland tonight.

Just a minute ago, the broadcast team was saying that after high school he wanted to go to a Pac 10 school. His grades weren't good enough to go to Oregon State, though, so he played junior college ball for a while.

If your grades aren't good enough to go to OSU, doesn't that mean that you're basically too dumb to milk a cow?

If I Look Confused It's Because I Have No Clue Who Anyone Is

There was a weird synchronicity related to mistaken identities this weekend.

First, Grant Miller (from the Official Site Of) commented on this post that he gets Mark Harmon and Kevin Costner confused. That never occurred to me, but it makes perfect sense. I'm surprised that more people don't mix them up.

Then, my wife remarked that something reminder her of 'Jonni Darkko'. I asked her if she meant 'Donnie Darko', the endearing Jake Gyllenhaal movie or if she really was referring to the director of 'Anal Showdown' and 'Boob Bangers'. Unfortunately, she misspoke and was referring to the former.

Finally, I realized that I've been confusing Terry Riley and Teddy Riley for years. I guess that makes sense, since minimalism and new jack swing have so much in common.

11/03/2006

Movie Review: 'The Presidio'

I've chosen to write this review in haiku form:

Mark Harmon’s career
after ‘The Presidio’
did not go as he had planned

11/02/2006

Imagine Having To Explain To A Malawian What A Fag-Hag Is

'Madonna' means "distinguished white lady" in Malawian, and apparently that was very confusing for those poor, simple primitives when she was on her baby-safari there.

Unfortunately, their language has no word for 'old dago hooker'.

(via Defamer.)

My New Favorite Indymedia-ism

'Faux News'

Get it?

(see this post for my old favorite.)

The Perils Of Outsourcing

I was on a call yesterday where an Indian (dot, not feather) guy was talking about Oracle database clustering.

Are you jealous?

Anyway - he kept pronouncing is orACle rather than ORacle, and it was driving me nuts.

My feeling is that pronouncing Oracle correctly is really all the English an Indian tech worker needs. You might want to make sure to stick the landing on that one.

Even I Fell Bad About This One (And For The Record, Cream Is An Awesome Band)

Nicole Richie's cat jumped off of a tenth-floor balcony.

My first thought:
So, living with Nicole Richie is just as bad as living with Eric Clapton.

She must have played the unplugged version of Layla one too many times.

11/01/2006

Out Of Office Assistant

I'm busy, bitches.

Pull yourself together.

Better?

Good.

Anyway, here's a funny link to get you through. Also, you have my permission to think about me while you masturbate*.

*Offer applies only to hot-ass ladies. No dudes, no fatties.