The first single is called 'Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is,' but I think I have a better name for it.
Put Your Ugly Where Your Face Is.In:
9/28/2006
It's Not Even Particularly Clever To Point Out That They're Exactly Like The Strokes But, Like, Australian
Remember Jet? They've finally bowed to the pressure of their fan and are about to release a new album.
The first single is called 'Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is,' but I think I have a better name for it.
Put Your Ugly Where Your Face Is.
The first single is called 'Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is,' but I think I have a better name for it.
Put Your Ugly Where Your Face Is.
9/27/2006
Tom Landry Says You're Grounded, Terrell
T.O. attempted suicide yesterday.
It sounds like this was one of those cry-for-help suicide attempts, which should come as no surprise to anyone who has paid the slightest attention to the NFL for the last several years.
Everything he's done since he left San Francisco (and, arguably, before then) has led me to the conclusion that he is a teen-age girl, and this is no exception.
Tomorrow's news flash: he cuts himself just to feel something, and he just feels so fat sometimes.
Anyway, I'll talk to you guys tomorrow. I have to go to a rainbow party at the Owens estate.
UPDATE: Here's T.O. rapping. The comparisons to the Superbowl Shuffle are obvious, but even the fridge didn't use the lines "This time I'm a Cowboy / and I've got them saying,' Wow, boy.'" Can you imagine the dark, dark place this came from?
It sounds like this was one of those cry-for-help suicide attempts, which should come as no surprise to anyone who has paid the slightest attention to the NFL for the last several years.
Everything he's done since he left San Francisco (and, arguably, before then) has led me to the conclusion that he is a teen-age girl, and this is no exception.
Tomorrow's news flash: he cuts himself just to feel something, and he just feels so fat sometimes.
Anyway, I'll talk to you guys tomorrow. I have to go to a rainbow party at the Owens estate.
UPDATE: Here's T.O. rapping. The comparisons to the Superbowl Shuffle are obvious, but even the fridge didn't use the lines "This time I'm a Cowboy / and I've got them saying,' Wow, boy.'" Can you imagine the dark, dark place this came from?
In:
Let's Start Today Off Right
Here's a picture of Cam'ron with what appears to be Gil'bert Gott'fried (see what I just did there?) in drag.
In:
In:
9/26/2006
[Insert Obligitory 'Hug It Out Bitch' Joke Here]
It looks like someone's agent didn't get the defendant's brief regarding Wu-Tang Clan's status as something to fuck wit'.
In:
These Calves Aren't Going To Confine Themselves
Sure, a Jack Spade frog dissection kit is great and everything, but I'm waiting for a Paul Frank veal pen.
Delicious and twee.
Delicious and twee.
In:
9/25/2006
I Paid To See 'Jackass 2' This Weekend, So What Do I Know?
There's a movie called 'Feast Of Love'* that filmed on street today.
Here's a synopsis from IMDB:
A meditation on love and its various incarnations, set within a community of friends in Oregon. and is described as an exploration of the magical, mysterious and sometimes painful incarnations of love.
It sort of sounds like a low-rent singles (hence Portland rather than Seattle, I guess) with old people. On the plus side, it has the old host of 'Talk Soup' in it. I hope it's as good as 'Dear God'.
The thing is, I can't imagine being interested in any Morgan Freeman movie that doesn't end with Gwyneth Paltrow's head in a box.
Anyway, to everyone involved in the production: so long, and thanks for all the gridlock!
*Seriously - that's the name of the movie. Also, by the end of this post I will have exceeded the total number of times I ever expected to type that phrase by 2.
Here's a synopsis from IMDB:
A meditation on love and its various incarnations, set within a community of friends in Oregon. and is described as an exploration of the magical, mysterious and sometimes painful incarnations of love.
It sort of sounds like a low-rent singles (hence Portland rather than Seattle, I guess) with old people. On the plus side, it has the old host of 'Talk Soup' in it. I hope it's as good as 'Dear God'.
The thing is, I can't imagine being interested in any Morgan Freeman movie that doesn't end with Gwyneth Paltrow's head in a box.
Anyway, to everyone involved in the production: so long, and thanks for all the gridlock!
*Seriously - that's the name of the movie. Also, by the end of this post I will have exceeded the total number of times I ever expected to type that phrase by 2.
In:
Claire Danes Must Be Spinning In Her Grave
We've studiously avoided pointing out how ridiculous Jared Leto is. Mainly because we aren't in the intersection portion of the 'My So Called Life' / 30 Seconds To Mars ven diagram.
Still, here's this:
I'm pretty sure this is a still from the new movie 'V For Vagina'.
By the way - this is the queeny-est post in the history of this blog.
Still, here's this:
I'm pretty sure this is a still from the new movie 'V For Vagina'.
By the way - this is the queeny-est post in the history of this blog.
In:
Separated At Birth: Flute Vs. Saber!
I can't possibly be the first person to put this together, right?In:
You Know, It Hasn't Hurt B.I.G.'s Career Any...
...And, frankly, $50,000 isn't too much of an incentive to drop dime on Suge Knight. I mean, that'll barely buy you a second rate grill.
In:
9/21/2006
All About The Spendjamins (It's A Word - Look It Up, Asshole)
There are two people in this story.
One is Paris Hilton, and the other is a homeless guy. What do they have in common? They both wipe their ass with hundred dollar bills.
The difference is that she'll throw it away afterward whereas he will spend his on a ton of Wild Irish Rose.
One is Paris Hilton, and the other is a homeless guy. What do they have in common? They both wipe their ass with hundred dollar bills.
The difference is that she'll throw it away afterward whereas he will spend his on a ton of Wild Irish Rose.
In:
I Was Going To Get A Tattoo That Reads, "Possession With Intent," But I Thought Better Of It
This genius, to sum it up, has a 'Grand Theft Auto' tattoo and was arrested for (wait for it) grand theft auto.
Do you remember when C-Murder was on trial for murder and the prosecutor was all, "Part of his name is Murder, for fuck's sake," and C-Murder was all, "So what? That doesn't make me a murderer!"
Now, I'm no big-city lawyer, but...
Do you remember when C-Murder was on trial for murder and the prosecutor was all, "Part of his name is Murder, for fuck's sake," and C-Murder was all, "So what? That doesn't make me a murderer!"
Now, I'm no big-city lawyer, but...
In:
9/20/2006
I Seriously Doubt A Six-Pack Of This Stuff Will Get A Stripper To Come Home With You
Until now, 'Cocaine in the can' was just a description of how the stuff came into the country.
(via Best Week Ever)
P.S. Anyone care to start a pool on which cast member of 'Growing Up Gotti' will die from an overdose of this stuff first?
(via Best Week Ever)
P.S. Anyone care to start a pool on which cast member of 'Growing Up Gotti' will die from an overdose of this stuff first?
In:
9/19/2006
Look Out - There's A Hacky 'Don't' Joke Ahead
Nice shades. It's a fine line between disaffected hipster-ism and merely trying to conceal your heroin-pinned pupils. Get your shit together; you're embarrassing your parents.
In:
I Think I've Finally Exposed A Flaw In US Anti-Drug Policy
So you guys have time to post anti-drug videos on YouTube, but this degenerate lunatic is running around free?
Priorities, people.
(See, Laura, I do take requests)
Priorities, people.
(See, Laura, I do take requests)
In:
9/18/2006
Adam Smith Can Reduce His Posthumous RPMs, I Guess
I heard a thing on NPR today about how the market for ostriches as livestock was super-hot during the 90s. A breeding pair could sell for $100,000.
Of course, the ostrich bubble (improbable phrase much?) burst around the same time the tech bubble did.
Naturally, many people who had invested heavily in ostriches lost their shirts.
Which just goes to show that even though it's an invisible hand, sometimes it needs to slap the fucking taste out of your mouth.
Of course, the ostrich bubble (improbable phrase much?) burst around the same time the tech bubble did.
Naturally, many people who had invested heavily in ostriches lost their shirts.
Which just goes to show that even though it's an invisible hand, sometimes it needs to slap the fucking taste out of your mouth.
In:
9/15/2006
That's A Spicy (Pre-Digested) Meatball!
This is a post about a big sewer building project. Stay with me, though - I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Portland just started using part of its new sewer infrastructure. This is the local equivalent of Boston's 'big dig' (it's called the 'big pipe', originally enough) except that it transports actual shit, not just tons of Massholes.
Anyway, it's a super-expensive project that is way over budget. I heard on the radio yesterday that it is a fairly significant engineering feat, and that the city contracted it out to a prominent Italian firm.
Big mistake.
Portland just started using part of its new sewer infrastructure. This is the local equivalent of Boston's 'big dig' (it's called the 'big pipe', originally enough) except that it transports actual shit, not just tons of Massholes.
Anyway, it's a super-expensive project that is way over budget. I heard on the radio yesterday that it is a fairly significant engineering feat, and that the city contracted it out to a prominent Italian firm.
Big mistake.In:
A Public Service Annoucement Brought To You By The Good People At The Club Sandwich
Spinach will make your liver shoot out of your butt. Come to think of it, maybe that's what my dog ate (he's fine now, thanks for asking) that gave him the collywobbles. Anyway, throw away all of your fresh, bagged spinach.
You know what you can still eat, though?
A dick.
(I've got nothing today, jerks.)
You know what you can still eat, though?
A dick.
(I've got nothing today, jerks.)
In:
9/14/2006
I'm Predicting That She Ego-Surfs Over To This Post Within 72 Hours. Takers?
OK, I lied - 1 post.
Storm Large got voted off of 'Rockstar: Supernova' last week. That means she's probably back in town by now.
Fella, you may want to make sure your shots are up to date. Just sayin'...
Storm Large got voted off of 'Rockstar: Supernova' last week. That means she's probably back in town by now.
Fella, you may want to make sure your shots are up to date. Just sayin'...
In:
No Posts Today. I Have An Excuse, Though
Did I pass out on the couch last night? Did I wake up at 3:00am and stagger toward bed only to step in a giant puddle of dog diarrhea just before I got there? Is my place really just a Mr. Turtle pool filled with liquid dog shit right now?
Or was it all just a glorious dream?
Either way, if anyone knows where to get a sheepskin rug cleaned on the cheap, let me know. Also, I need a dog butthole sized cork. And some aqua socks.
Or was it all just a glorious dream?
Either way, if anyone knows where to get a sheepskin rug cleaned on the cheap, let me know. Also, I need a dog butthole sized cork. And some aqua socks.
In:
9/13/2006
Or To See Orcs And Giant Apes Used As Thin Analogies For Black People
Here's Peter Jackson's new movie.
He says, "I can't wait to see Napoleonic battles fought with a squadron of dragons. That's what I go to the movies for."
I'd have guessed it was for the snacks.
He says, "I can't wait to see Napoleonic battles fought with a squadron of dragons. That's what I go to the movies for."
I'd have guessed it was for the snacks.
In:
Virtual Inanity (Get it?)
Who says Jamiroquai can't get arrested these days? He should get the chair for that hat alone.
(That article is totally worth reading, by the way. Hilarious)
(That article is totally worth reading, by the way. Hilarious)
In:
Movie Review: Lucky Number Slevin
I liked this movie better when it was called 'The Usual Sluspects'.
Oh, and, spoiler alert, I guess. If you're retarded.
Oh, and, spoiler alert, I guess. If you're retarded.
In:
9/11/2006
Trim-Spa Overdose, Maybe?
Anna Nicole Smith's 20-year-old son died over the weekend.
It's a shame he didn't live to be 70 years older. She could have fucked him (out of all of his money.)
It's a shame he didn't live to be 70 years older. She could have fucked him (out of all of his money.)
In:
At LEast He Got To Visit Young Buck While He Was In Jail
50 Cent got arrested on Friday. His crime: an unsafe lane change. A gangsta-ass unsafe lane change.
He didn't mind, though, as his time in the holding cell down at the precinct afforded him the opportunity of engaging in his two favorite hobbies: taking his shirt off, and be admired while having his shirt off.
He didn't mind, though, as his time in the holding cell down at the precinct afforded him the opportunity of engaging in his two favorite hobbies: taking his shirt off, and be admired while having his shirt off.
In:
Movie Reviews: Brick
'Brick' is a cross between 'Miller's Crossing' and 'Heathers' that somehow works. I have nothing more to say about it.
In:
9/08/2006
The New Harlem Renaissance (By Way Of A White Guy From Portland, Or.)
Apparently a DMX show in D.C. got postponed the other night. No big deal in and of itself, but for some reason I was inspired to write a poem about it. Enjoy.
A DMX Postponed
By Eli
By Eli
What happens to a DMX postponed?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
(Where my dogs at?)
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
(Where my dogs at?)
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
(Where my dogs? Where my dogs? where my dogs at?)
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does the motherfucker explode?
In:
I Suppose You Could Do Something With Clay Aiken's Aversion To Bush, But I'm Way Too Tired
When you read an article about Clay Aiken being named to the President's Committee for People with Intellectual Disabilities you have a couple of options.
1) George Bush is a retard
2) Clay Aiken is a retard
Frankly, though, neither of those is really doing it for me, so I'm going to go with a simple "Ha! Clay Aiken is such a fag!"
1) George Bush is a retard
2) Clay Aiken is a retard
Frankly, though, neither of those is really doing it for me, so I'm going to go with a simple "Ha! Clay Aiken is such a fag!"
In:
9/07/2006
Whatever Happened To A 'Dilbert' cartoon and a 'Hang In There, Baby' Poster?
To: All Staff
From: The Management
RE: Personal items on your desk
We are very supportive of your right to indiviudality and expression. However, we would like to take this opportunity to remind you that your desk is a work space and should, therefore, not be used for personal pursuits.
In order to facilitate this, the following items are banned from all desktops forthwith:
From: The Management
RE: Personal items on your desk
We are very supportive of your right to indiviudality and expression. However, we would like to take this opportunity to remind you that your desk is a work space and should, therefore, not be used for personal pursuits.
In order to facilitate this, the following items are banned from all desktops forthwith:
- George Foreman Grills.
In:
Thanks For Calling Me Skinny, Though
Our local fish-wrapper has a column called 'I, Anonymous' in which someone gets to vent their spleen every week.
Here's this week's.
A couple of points.
1) I live in the Pearl and hadn't heard about this train thing until now. (I'm against it, for the record.)
2) Comparing restricting use of train whistles to labelling Jews with yellow stars? Offensive, sure. Baffling, definitely.
3) I seriously doubt there are too many 'yuppies' blocking the aisle on the bus because we have cars. Shiny German ones. And on those rare occasions when we use public transportation we sure as shit don't use it to get to Lomard because why would we go there, anyway?
Here's this week's.
A couple of points.
1) I live in the Pearl and hadn't heard about this train thing until now. (I'm against it, for the record.)
2) Comparing restricting use of train whistles to labelling Jews with yellow stars? Offensive, sure. Baffling, definitely.
3) I seriously doubt there are too many 'yuppies' blocking the aisle on the bus because we have cars. Shiny German ones. And on those rare occasions when we use public transportation we sure as shit don't use it to get to Lomard because why would we go there, anyway?
In:
9/06/2006
Bananarama Want 4 Bottles Of Moet And Some Bananas
I love tour riders. Here's a great list from Radar that reminds us of some things we already knew, but still has one surprise in store.
- We already knew that 50 Cent is a gross rapist.
- We already knew that LL Cool J is a less-gross rapist.
- We had no idea that The Go-Go's [sic.] are still alive.
In:
...And His Mom Ran Off With A Magic 8-Ball
I grew up in a very small town. It's adult male population consisted mainly of former loggers whose income, owing to the weight of tree trunks and the unyielding nature of gravity, was now received from the state.
As you can imagine, this left them with a substantial amount of free time. That probably explained why there were so many bars and churches in town. Something for everyone.
One of these fine gents found both entertainment options wanting. His son (an albino whose nose ran constantly and provided him with sustenence straight from the tap) told us a charming story.
Apparently he (the father) was harnessing the power of the occult using his Ouija board, which told him that the local pharmacy / grocery store was being robbed.
Minutes later, he comes tear-assing into the parking lot, jumps out of his truck, and runs into the store brandishing a shotgun in order to foil the robbery.
It goes without saying that the police were called to deal with him. The best part is when the son was asked to explain all of this the next day at school.
His response:
"A Ouija board tricked my dad."
As you can imagine, this left them with a substantial amount of free time. That probably explained why there were so many bars and churches in town. Something for everyone.
One of these fine gents found both entertainment options wanting. His son (an albino whose nose ran constantly and provided him with sustenence straight from the tap) told us a charming story.
Apparently he (the father) was harnessing the power of the occult using his Ouija board, which told him that the local pharmacy / grocery store was being robbed.
Minutes later, he comes tear-assing into the parking lot, jumps out of his truck, and runs into the store brandishing a shotgun in order to foil the robbery.
It goes without saying that the police were called to deal with him. The best part is when the son was asked to explain all of this the next day at school.
His response:
"A Ouija board tricked my dad."
In:
9/05/2006
Comedy (Fools) Gold
We'll keep in short. After Dane Cook's special last night we don't feel all that good about the state of jokes in general, and we'd prefer not to throw more turds on that manure pile.
R.I.P. Steve Irwin. The Crocodile Hunter has become the crocodile hunted. So sad. Unless you're a crocodile, I guess.
The whole flap about Racist Survivor is pretty good. Not Mel Gibson "sugartits" good, but it'll do. Defamer has a post today about the (positive, obvs) response the concept is getting from the folks at Stormfront.
Which, naturally, got us thinking. Often, racial minority and gay groups will evaluate how many TV rolls go to members of their demographic. I think that the number of major gay rolls is 9 this year, for example.
That doesn't seem like a lot, but think of how few primetime acting gigs are given to actual raciststs. I count 4, and they are all on 'Blue Collar TV' and 'Mind Of Mencia'.
R.I.P. Steve Irwin. The Crocodile Hunter has become the crocodile hunted. So sad. Unless you're a crocodile, I guess.
The whole flap about Racist Survivor is pretty good. Not Mel Gibson "sugartits" good, but it'll do. Defamer has a post today about the (positive, obvs) response the concept is getting from the folks at Stormfront.
Which, naturally, got us thinking. Often, racial minority and gay groups will evaluate how many TV rolls go to members of their demographic. I think that the number of major gay rolls is 9 this year, for example.
That doesn't seem like a lot, but think of how few primetime acting gigs are given to actual raciststs. I count 4, and they are all on 'Blue Collar TV' and 'Mind Of Mencia'.
In:
9/01/2006
Show Us Your Progressive Social Policy!
I just heard this story on NPR.
Here's the money quote:
"A spokesperson from Miller says the company does not support illegal immigration. It does, however, support more discussions on creating legal paths to citizenship."
...and TWINS!!!
Here's the money quote:
"A spokesperson from Miller says the company does not support illegal immigration. It does, however, support more discussions on creating legal paths to citizenship."
...and TWINS!!!
In:
You Might Be A Redneck If You've Never Been To New York, But You Still Have A 'Never Forget' Bumpersticker
Because of their totally gay sitepass system, I can't link to this item on Salon:
"The blue-collar comedian returns with "Foxworthy's Big Night Out" (CMT, 8:30 p.m. EDT), a sketch comedy show featuring country artists like Kenny Rogers. On Sunday, catch the first of a wave of 9/11 TV specials, "Inside the Twin Towers" (Discovery, 9 p.m. EDT), which takes an occasionally lurid look at what happened at the World Trade Center on 9/11."
I can, howver, pose the obvious question:
Which of these shows is going to be the least funny?
I'm stumped.
"The blue-collar comedian returns with "Foxworthy's Big Night Out" (CMT, 8:30 p.m. EDT), a sketch comedy show featuring country artists like Kenny Rogers. On Sunday, catch the first of a wave of 9/11 TV specials, "Inside the Twin Towers" (Discovery, 9 p.m. EDT), which takes an occasionally lurid look at what happened at the World Trade Center on 9/11."
I can, howver, pose the obvious question:
Which of these shows is going to be the least funny?
I'm stumped.
In:
More Jar Jar Binks Than Admiral Akbar
The NYT describes Bush's approach in a recent speech thusly:
"In forceful language, the president painted the war on terror as an epic struggle between good and evil."
You know what, dude? I know your poll numbers aren't great, but I'm willing to give you another shot at this.
Just give me a buzz when you blow up a fucking deathstar.
"In forceful language, the president painted the war on terror as an epic struggle between good and evil."
You know what, dude? I know your poll numbers aren't great, but I'm willing to give you another shot at this.
Just give me a buzz when you blow up a fucking deathstar.
In:
It's A Prequel That Ends In 1944
George Romero is directing another in his series of 'Dead' films. This one is called 'Diary Of The Dead'.
I'm assuming it's the story of a young polish girl who has to hide in an attic to escape a zombie attack.
I'm assuming it's the story of a young polish girl who has to hide in an attic to escape a zombie attack.
In:
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