Sartorial Advice: Crazy Coffee Lady Edition

Dear crazy coffee lady,

It's bad enough you act surprised to see me (and everyone else) every single day. Guess what? I work here. I am going to walk through the lobby again tomorrow, if that helps you plan your day.

It's bad enough that your creepy, hillbilly husband sits on the floor with his ancient, wood-grain laptop looking at (let's assume) Dale Earnhardt Jr memorial websites.

Today takes the cake, though.

What was the look you were going for when you put on a shirt that reads, "Explore Downunder, [unintelligble] hot, wet, bush?" Was it 'gross'? Because if so, mission accomplished!

In: crazy, gross

News Flash: Ziggy Isn't Funny!!

Good one, Ziggy, you fat fuck.

In: Ziggy, shitty jokes

If Drugs Are Causing Problems, You Have A Drug Problem

Signs of impending disaster:
1) You are an young (totally bone-able) actress who is getting letters from the production company of the movie you're shooting saying that you are "a spoiled child" and threatening to fire you.
2) The letter is delivered to your home, which happens to be the hotel where John Belushi died.

In: lindsay lohan, chateau marmont, cocaine abuse

It's Always Funny In Silly-delphia (Oh, Fuck - Kill Me)

If you guys aren't watching 'It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia' it's probably because what the hell is the FX network?

Anyway, it's hilarious and well worth your time. Seriously. Check it out.

Given my extensive readership, this should double their audience by drawing in several new viewers.

In: TV, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia

You'd Have Thought That The 'Eye In The Sky' Would Have Caught Him Sooner

I read this story in The Oregonian yesterday. The gist is that this hobo was trying to scam people out of cash by pretending to be a member of The Alan Parsons Project. Not Alan Parsons. The other guy.

His scheme was so preposterous not even the meth-addled mouth-breathers in Troutdale, Oregon (now with a gas station!) fell for it, and now he's scamming the state out of three hots and a cot.

In other news, the actual members of The Alan Parsons project are still at large. Anyone with knowledge of their whereabouts should go back in time to 1984 when some still gave a fuck.

In: Alan Parsons Project, hicks, scams

How Sticky Is That Finger?

Some friends and I were talking about 'Sticky Fingers' by The Rolling Stones today, and it reminded me of the time I had that album sitting on my desk at work.

In case you aren't familiar with the cover:

Yikes!

I had to turn the booklet inside out after someone walked up to my desk, picked it up, looked at me, and said, "Huh," and walked away.

Humiliating.

In: rolling stones, warhol, weiners

Is It Football Season Yet?

The guy who won the Tour de France tested positive for unusually high levels of testosterone, and might lose his title.

Maybe the threshold for the test is really low because the last guy to win only had one nut.

In: Tour De France, testicular cancer

The Words 'British' And 'Comedy' Don't Belong In The Same Sentence

The news that Ricky Gervais plans to quit comedy should come as a surprise to anyone who thought that he already had sometime before filming the first season of 'Extras'.

In: Ricky Gervais, British comedy

Attn: Fellow Employees

Our kitchen is a common area that we all have to share. Even though I am not so poor that I have to pack a lunch, I still have to walk through it to get to my office.

If your ass is so giant that when you are bent over with your head in the fridge(!) I cannot walk behind you because you are blocking the entire hall, I have some advice.

YOU ARE TOO FAT - GET OUT OF THE FRIDGE!!

While we're at it, here's an item for the dude in the bathroom stall next to me this morning. We all heard what you did. We don't need director's commentary on the DVD of 'I Just Took A Giant, Wet Shit'.

Thanks, guys!

In: office etiquette, fat people, pooping

Who Wants To Be America's Next Top Talent? Idiots, That's Who.

I finally tuned into the ratings hit of the summer (which is like best hurdler in the Special Olympics, but whatevs,) 'America Gots Talent'. It is, as you might imagine, horrible.

There's a contestant who is billed as "The One And Only Rappin' Granny." That's weird; I could have sworn someone's done that before. And besides, wasn't that schtik tired when Two Live Jews did it? (Answer: fuckin' A!)

Anyway, it's pretty likely that Roxanne Shante has grandkids by now, which would, technically, qualify her as a rappin' granny.

So, KRS One is rolling over in his grave, and meanwhile a syrup company is missing its mascot.

The best part is that David Hasselhoff is one of the judges, which goes to show that cirosis of the liver doesn't kill fast enough. You know those assholes who, at any mention of him, will bust out with, "You know, he's popular in Germany!"

Har dee har har, fuckhead. Way to stop learning new jokes when Norm MacDonald was still hosting 'Weekend Update'. And you know what else is popular with the Germans?

The extra best part is that Moesha is also a judge. How much esha? Mo' esha!*

Finally, this little kid sings a cover of a Janis Joplin song. You could really see her pour all of those (11) years of hard living into it. It was kind of hot, though. Maybe I'll have a three-way with her and Jon Benet Ramsey if she doesn't, you know, die of a herion overdose in the meantime.

*not my joke, but too awesome not to use.

In: America's Got Talent, blacks, kids, shitty TV, overt racism

Musicians Wanted: Baby, I've Got Your Money

It's been far too long since we combed the pages of the Portland Mercury for opportunities to rock out with our cocks out.

Let's start this edition with the best 'Musicians Wanted' ad ever:

OL DIRTY BASTARD Cover Band All Positions Needed...

Enough said.

OFF MY ASS. 34-year-old quasi-punk seeks drummer, bass player, ? to end band drought. I like a lot of predictable and obvious bands...

Predictable and obvious? Sounds great!

DRUMMER WITH LOTS of experience looking for a full time giging or soon to be giging band. will relocate for a good opportunity...

He should definitely move here (from Maryland, by the way) to jam. How could that possibly be a mistake?

In: Musicians Wanted, Portland Mercury, music, bands

That Explains Why He Looks Like He's Been Up On Crystal Meth For A Week*

I'd like to offer you my thought progression when I heard that Lance Bass came out of the closet.
1) Who?
2) Oh yeah - that guy.
3) Well, you could knock me over with a feather (boa.)

*Seriously - that picture is scary. Dude, get some sleep. The barebacking will still be there when you wake up.

In: Lance Bass, gays, things that are obvious

Wait, So The Klan Hates Mexicans?

Tomorrow night the new season of '30 Days' debuts. Look for explorations of the blatantly obvious such as:

• Offshoring takes jobs from Americans
• Atheists don't belive in God
• Prison sucks
• Cats and dogs don't get along

As we know, promoting understanding via co-habitation makes such good TV!

Does anyone want to sign my online petition to have this show's name changed to 'No Shit, Spurlock'?

In: Morgan Spurlock, 30 Days, shitty TV

The Inevitable Future

How big would Paul Wall have to get before they change the name of Wall St. to Paul Wall St.?

My brother said that he'd have to get as big as, say, Thomas Jefferson. In a way, though, he is sort of like the Thomas Jefferson of grillz.

So, all that needs to happen is for grillz to become as important as democracy.

In: politcal science, paul wall, thomas jefferson

Movie Review: Flightplan

Well, I swallowed this turd yesterday. I have two reviews for you to pick from. Both rely on Jodie Foster being the star, so see if you can guess where this is going.

1) If you're looking for a movie that is basically identical to 'Panic Room' but with a thinner premise, this is the movie for you!

Alternatively,

2) 'Flightplan'? More like 'Scissorfightplan'.

In: movies, Jodie Foster, Flightplan, lesbians

Don't Waste Your Time Here

My friend Ian is at the San Diego comic con. You should really read his coverage of what promises to be the nerdiest, smelliest thing ever.

Enjoy!

In: nerds, B.O., masturbation, comics

A Letter To The President

(We apologize, dear readers, for this interruption. This is public service as mandated by the parole board. Please bear with us.)

Dear Cockwad,

As a long-time reader of the Sandwich, you know that we don't like to get all political and shit. Still, we couldn't help noticing your courageous veto of the stem cell research bill this week.

You claim that stem cell research "crosses a moral boundary." Can you explain to us how legitimate science is morally repugnant while this isn't:
Please reply at your earliest leisure.

Kisses,
The Club Sandwich Editorial Staff

(We know return to our regularly scheduled discussion of assfucking)

In: politics, war, bush

Tonight I'm Having Fried Chicken And Jagermeister

Here's how white, liberal guilt works.

You go to the liquor store and carry a bottle of vodka up to the counter. When you're making conversation with the guy at the counter (who is black) he asks, "Any big plans for tonight?"

Like the bottle of vodka doesn't make the answer to that question completely obvious.

Anywho, you tell him the truth: you're going to pour the booze into a watermelon and get loaded by eating watermelon.

And then, of course, you wonder if talking about watermelon with a black guy is racist*.

* It depends entirely on intonation. Sarcasm would be a bad move.

In: blacks, liquor, watermelon

I Want To Gay With You On A Mountain (Get It?)

In contrast to all of the controversy in America about gay marriage, some countries take a more enlightened approach.

In England, for example, Darren Hayes from Savage Garden married his boyfriend. I imagine you're like me when you say to yourself, "Who?"

Anyway, now that it comes out (no pun intended) that 'Truly Madly Deeply' is about a dude, you might want to tell your aunt to stop fingering herself to it. Sade and Annie Lennox are still in play, though.

In: gays, music, aunts, masturbation

Disclaimer: Comics Suck

I was reading the comics in the newspaper today, and I think I figured out why you're supposed to read them from left to right.

Otherwise you might get confused about where a speech balloon is coming from in the final panel.

In: comics, vaginas, grooming

I'm Partial To #3, Myself

Um, gross. I am (obviously) the friend in question. The best part is that a girl drew this.

Noah is clearly going for quality over quantity in his posting. And he's clearly going for quantity above anything when it comes to vaginas.

In: Noah, vaginas, drawings, gross

Keep Your Ads Off Of My Body!

CBS is going to advertise its shows by laser-etching messages on the shells of eggs you can buy at the supermarket.

Jean-yes!

I'm going to do the same thing with any abortions I cause from now on, but Burma Shave style.






In: Eggs, CBS, Advertising, Abortion, Responsibility

The Immigration Debate Rages On

Next thing you know, they'll be coming here and stealing (hand) jobs from hard-working American trannies.

In: handjobs, hookers, trannies, immigration

In This Case, The Tires Might Actually Be Sexier

Don't bother clocking this link - I'll summarize. Sophia Loren will not appear nude in this year's Pirelli calendar.

The thing is, when you have a 71-year-old woman posing next to a stack of tires it's pretty much even money that you aren't going to be able to tell which is which.

In: tires, old, gross, ladies

Follow-Up On 'Wisedom'

One of our associates followed the 'wisedom' tag on this post and found the picture below. I've captioned it for your convenience.Ve are on ze Thailand sex holiday!

God, European dudes are gross.

In: wisedom, mustaches, eurotrash

Taking Care Of Business

Two items I'd like to get out of the way:
1) To the girl who used to have my phone # - please make the payment on your Hyundai; I'm tired of the phone calls.
2) To the people on Craigslist who flaked out on picking up a free dresser; have you ever considered that your lack of follow-through may explain why you're poor?

In: tcb, poors, jerks

Why He Didn't Just Use Kate Capshaw's Strap-On Is Beyond Me

Remember that guy who was arrested for trying to break into Stephen Spielberg's house because he thought Spielberg wanted* to be raped by him?

Do you think that the dude's fantasy looked anything like this:

* If he wanted it, is it still rape? Get Andrea Dworkin on the ghost-phone!

In: gays, cruise, spielberg, rape

I'm Amazed This Didn't Happen Sooner.

Let me apologize for this picture of Dave Navarro and Tomy Lee toungue-kissing.
Which one of them do you think has the most hepatitis? My guess: they both do.

In: crue, gays, hepatitis

I Will, However, Share My Copy Editing Skills

Scrawled in chalk on the sidewalk in front of my building:
"Share your wisedom!"

In: hippies, wisedom

I Think They're In Beruit This Week

Ah, Salon. Always answering the question no-one cared enough to ask.

Normally, We're Big Fans Of The Vagina, But...

Watch this Elisabeth Hasselbeck in this clip and try to tell me two things:
1) that ladyparts aren't a little gross, and
2) that you're surprised the Seahawks lost the Superbowl.

In Space, No One Can Hear You Pee

Well, it looks like someone's been using the men's room in my office building. Seriously, it smells like a Grayhound bus in there.

It would also appear that I'm not the only one who has read most of the 'Dune' series in there. Frankly, if the smell gets much worse, I'll just wear a stillsuit to work and avoid the whole thing.

What I find particularly amazing is that our day porter* can't do anything about the smell of hobo pee, but she can manage to knock on the door every single time I'm in there doing the jumble**.

* A fancy term for cleaning woman. I sort of picture a porter as looking more like Scatman Crothers or this guy (an actual porter.)
** By which I mean pooping, obviously.

In: technology, servants, bathrooms

Musicians Wanted: Must Have Pro Gear

Our occasional column in which we play amateur talent scount using the classifieds in the 'Portland Mercury'. Let's get this party started:

NEED A "LATIN" percussionist?...

I like the scare quotes. Is that "latin" like Jack Black in 'Nacho Libre' or like Speedy Gonzalez? Either way I'm going to have to say whatever is "latin" for no.

SHIFFT IS LOOKING for a 2nd guitarist...

SIMPL SEEKING BASSIST...

Both of those bands sound s2pid and laym.

Just so you know, I passed on the following two band names this week:
1) Pantywaist
2) The Gnome Sorcery Foundation
I'm not even kidding.

In: musicians_wanted, portland, mercury

Keep In Mind That An Employee Once Fried Elephant Ears At Her Desk

What's the over-under on one of these showing up in my office? I give it until the end of next week.

License To Grill

Some high schools in Texas have banned grillz. Fair enough, but I don't want to be the one to tell this guy:

In: ice, grillz, jaws

Gimme A Break - I Was Originally Going To Make A 'Getting Head' Joke

Basically, I'm just going to crib all of my posts from Defamer today. Fuck it.

For those who don't remember, Daniel Pearl was a journalist who was kidnapped in Pakistan and was later killed. A video of his beheading was released with the title 'The Slaughter of the Spy-Journalist, the Jew Daniel Pearl' and spread around the internet like crazy.

His wife later wrote a book called 'A Mighty Heart' which is now being adpated into a movie with Angelina Jolie in the lead role.

Man, that's going to be hot!

In: terrorism, angeline_jolie, daniel_pearl

It Took Some Imagination, But It Was Worth It

Did you know that you can spank it to a story about Michael Douglas getting stung by a jellyfish and having his son pee on his back to flush out the jellyfish poison?

Here's what you do:

1. Replace the son with you
2. Replace Michael Douglas's back with Lindsay Lohan's floppers

The pee stays pee, though.

Try it - it works!

In: michael_douglas, lindsay_lohan, masturbation

There's No Such Thing As The Mafia

But if there were, you'd hope the'd spend their time trying to whack Geraldo.

I've got 5 on it.

In: geraldo, murder, mafia

The Wonders Never Cease (To Bore The Shit Out Of Me)

There's some stuff that's so boring I can't be bothered to read it. Normally, this would be one of those things, except it taught me two things.

1) 'The Real World' is still on.
2) The woman in the picture actually isn't Tanya Harding, amazingly enough.

A Cautionary Tale

Hey!

Remember that time you bought a bunch of morphine pills and took them with about a quart of bourbon? And at some point you were trying to explain surface tension using a shot glass and you said, "Look at that beautiful meniscus," while booze was pouring over the rim of the glass and all over your counter?

Remember how you passed out and in the morning threw up in a bucket? And how you emptied the bucket into the bathtub because you were shitting in the toilet while you were puking some more?

Remember how the bathtub wouldn't drain and was full of pukey hamburger crumbles and you went back to bed for hours without cleaning it up even though your houseguests were arrving any minute and now Impaled think you're a junky?

That was fucking awesome.

In: drugs, impaled, puke

Follow Up On 'Bad To The Bone'

I mentioned yesterday that when you hear 'Bad To The Bone' in a movie it means that a kid or dog is about to do something HILARIOUS!

Well, here's an exception. I watched 'Talk Radio' last night, and they used that song as the lead in to the titular talk show.

That movie has neither a kid nor a dog in it. In fact, nothing especially hilarious happens in the whole movie. Unless you count Eric Bogosian trying to conceal his lazy eye.

In: Bogosian

He Does His Own Publicity Stunts

Seriously, isn't this covered in the whole 'don't ever touch a black man's radio' thing?

In: karate, jackie_chan

Dipping My Toe Back In The Blog Waters: Weiner Joke Edition

OK - I'm getting back in the (sex) swing of things after a weekend in jail. Did you know they don't have wifi? Anyway, I'm doing some easy ones so I don't get a cramp.

This weeekend, Peaches was on 'The Henry Rollins Show'.

Here's a quiz - match the factoid tothe name:
1) Has a 4 inch penis
2) Has the world's hairiest vagina

A) Henry Rollins
B) Peaches

Answer: 1 = B, 2 = A

In: trannies, rollins, peaches

I Am OK, Internet!

I've just been really busy. Look for posting to resume tonight or tomorrow.

In the mean time, this weekend I learned something. I was watching a bit of 'Problem Child 2' (shut up) and I realized that whenever you hear the beginning part of 'Bad To The Bone' in a movie it means that a dog or a little kid is about to do something HILARIOUS!

In: news

Sartorial Advice: Racial Sensitivity Edition

If you're going to a Mexican restaurant, you might not want to wear a novelty cap that reads, "U.S. BORDER PATROL."

(Cheers to the guy working the register who told this tool that he is "lame")
(Double cheers to the cook who - I'm hoping - spit in this guy's food)

In: mexicans, racism

Old School Diss

Here's today's quote of the day on my Google homepage:
"Almost all absurdity of conduct arises from the imitation of those whom we cannot resemble."

Samuel Johnson said that in the late 18th century.

How prescient.

In: wiggers

Musicians Wanted!

I know, I know. It's been forever since the last one of these. Luckily, Portland's music scene has totally evolved since then, so this should be really refreshing. Just kidding.

Anyway, let's leaf through the Portland Mercury's 'Musicians Wanted' ads and see if we can find the next big thing.

DRUMMER: IS 'GRUNGE' a dirty word? I got songs, gigs, and room for you to be creative...

Is grunge a dirty word? I don't know. Is the back of Kurt Cobain's head drafty?

DRUMMER SKS WORKING Weekend Band, Why Name Drop? I Sing , I Have Pro Gear, I've Been On Four Different Labels, I Kick Butt...

Why name drop? Because your phone number has a '360' area code, maybe? When I think of hotbeds of musical talent, I don't always think 'Camas, Wa'.

VIOLIN, CELLO & viola players needed for professional artsy fartsy instrumental hip hop tracks and performances...

It sounds like DJ Spooky is going to have a new album out soon. I'm so bored I feel like I'm already listening to it.

In: musicians-wanted, portland-mercury

A Long-Winded Post On NJ Politics That Relies On Cheap Sarcasm And Homophobia

New Jersey's state government shut down today because the governor and the legislature couldn't agree on a budget.

One of the more noticable consequences of this is that Atlantic City casinos shut down. This is costing the state 1.3-1.6 million dollars in lost tax revenue on gambling for each day it lasts.

It's safe to say that this is a watershed moment in the career of Governor Jon Corzine. If this persists, he'll widely reviled and considered ineffectual. One can argue that the shutting down of an entire state is the greatest failure a governor canpreside over.

On the other hand, at least he's not a fag, right?

In: politics, jersey, corzine, mcgreevy, homophobia

The Real South Beach Diet

I always assume that skinny drug addicts are skinny because they're drug addicts. Biker crank makes a lousy appetizer, right?

Well, evidently, skinny drug addicts are actually drug addicts because they're skinny.

Did you follow that? I'll admit it's a bit convoluted.

Jesus, I'm so fucking high right now.

In: drugs, fatties

The Fireworks Display To Beat

Independence Day

It was less than 100 years ago when they'd have signs hanging in their windows that read, "No Niggers, No Irish, No dogs."

I guess all I have to say is this:

We've come a long way, baby!

If you can find an mp3 of 'America Rules' by Murphy's Law I encourage you to listen to it. That pretty much sums it up. Then treat yourself to a crucial BBQ.

Happy 4th, and God bless America!

On The Eve Of Our Nation's Birthday...

... it's important to celebrate freedom.

Given that, congratulations to Lil Kim for getting out of jail early on (girl, go ahead and make yourself feel) good behavior.

It's nice to see justice prevail.

And if you can't figure out whether I'm being sarcastic, don't sweat it. I'm not sure I even care enough to decide.

We Get Lots And Lots Of Letters

The Club Sandwich has a long-standing tradition of fostering dialogue with its readership. Given that, we'd like to point out a comment attached to this post about a line of children's clothing called Pimpfants.

We'd like to respond, so here goes.

Thanks for sending us your social studies essay. I'm sure you'll get a totally awesome grade on it. Unfortunately, our editorial policy will not allow us to comment on something we find so teeth-grindingly boring. To your credit, we didn't think there was anything less interesting than people with kids, but you proved us wrong.

Anyway, we'll let you go. Business must be booming if you still have time to google yourself and post giant comments on little-read blogs.

Best of luck in your effort to sexualize infants!

Love,
-Eli.