I'll be trawling for ass using this sweet new website the State of Oregon made to to track sex offenders.
Seriously - it's better than Craigslist.
P.S. Just kidding. There are 86 registered sex offenders within 1 mile of my house, though. Seriously, I thought the Pearl Distirct was supposed to be a yuppie Disneyland. More like a yuppie Neverland Ranch.
6/30/2006
Do You Have Freddy Prinze Jr. In A Can?
Freddy Prinze Jr is quite the cut-up apparently.
I think he needs to move beyond vaguely homo scat play with Matthew Lillard, though.
He should try that prank where he gets addicted to 'ludes and coke and shoots himself in the head leaving behind a wife and infant son.
Oh, wait, that's been done?
Shit - my bad, dog.
I think he needs to move beyond vaguely homo scat play with Matthew Lillard, though.
He should try that prank where he gets addicted to 'ludes and coke and shoots himself in the head leaving behind a wife and infant son.
Oh, wait, that's been done?
Shit - my bad, dog.
Lessons In Etiquette
When you're going to Best Buy and trying to put something on your Best Buy card, there are two important things to remember.
1) Make sure you didn't cancel your card six months ago, and, more importantly,
2) Make sure you didn't forget to clean the card off after the last time you used it to cut up rails in a bar bathroom.
Awkward!
Confidential note to the girl at the cash register at Best Buy: you may want to wash your hands.
1) Make sure you didn't cancel your card six months ago, and, more importantly,
2) Make sure you didn't forget to clean the card off after the last time you used it to cut up rails in a bar bathroom.
Awkward!
Confidential note to the girl at the cash register at Best Buy: you may want to wash your hands.
6/29/2006
Advice To My Future Children, Or 'Why Eli Should Never Have Kids'
Look, futurekid, there are two things you should never do while under the influence of anesthetizing narcotics.
1) Shave
2) Cut your fingernails
Driving's cool, though. Because fuck it.
1) Shave
2) Cut your fingernails
Driving's cool, though. Because fuck it.
Watch Me Make It Through This Whole Post Without Making A Polack Joke*
There's a character in Doonesbury who's named Kaminski and who is, evidentally, dumb. Naturally, that is a sweeping generalization of Polish people.
The Polish American Congress has its perogis in a knot about it.
From the article:
But Trudeau, whose often-controversial cartoon strip runs in more than 1,000 papers and on slate.com, isn't fazed by the group's attempt this week to present him with a bogus certificate dubbing him an "Authentic Bigot."
First of all, Poles, when people start discriminating against you, you'll know it.
Second, where can I get my 'Authentic Bigot' certificate?
*Did it, bitches!
The Polish American Congress has its perogis in a knot about it.
From the article:
But Trudeau, whose often-controversial cartoon strip runs in more than 1,000 papers and on slate.com, isn't fazed by the group's attempt this week to present him with a bogus certificate dubbing him an "Authentic Bigot."
First of all, Poles, when people start discriminating against you, you'll know it.
Second, where can I get my 'Authentic Bigot' certificate?
*Did it, bitches!
Translation: I Am A Giant Douche
I was at one of my favorite watering holes last night getting, let's say, watered.
Some jagoff asked the bartender, "Does it ever get deep in here, or is it always pretty chill?"
Some jagoff asked the bartender, "Does it ever get deep in here, or is it always pretty chill?"
Is Anyone Still Curious About Why We're Losing In Iraq?
Because I think I might know. I'm pretty sure those Al Queda In Iraq guys aren't spending a ton of time court martialing goats.
6/28/2006
Know Your Hollywood Stars
Both of these women played the daughter in Freaky Friday.
One of them is a beautiful, classy, talented, dignified actor.
The other is a dried up prune with a cooze like an army boot and a dissolved septum. And is named Lindsay Lohan.
(Just kidding, Linds. We can still totally party if you want!)
Old Dirty Bastard Vs. Al Queda
One of these men is Old Dirty Bastard, deceased memeber of the Wu Tang Clan. His crimes include failure to pay child support, domestic abuse, welfare fraud (never convicted), and drug possession.
The other is a recently arrested terror suspect whose crimes (alegedly) include plotting against the US and attempting to receive material support from Al Queda.
Can you tell which is which?
The other is a recently arrested terror suspect whose crimes (alegedly) include plotting against the US and attempting to receive material support from Al Queda.
Can you tell which is which?
Totally Krossed Out
Here's the timeline:
So, well done, Sony Music. Consider this the word-of-mouth you've been trying to trick me into giving you.
- A week or so ago I went to a baseball game, and they played 'Jump' over the PA system.
- A couple of days later I stumbled across Kriss Kross's website and was amazed that it's still up.
- Yesterday, I heard 'Warm It Up' on the radio on the way to dinner.
- When I got home, I watched an old 'Law and Order' where someone (S. Epatha Merkerson, if you must know) was listening to 'Jump' in her car.
So, well done, Sony Music. Consider this the word-of-mouth you've been trying to trick me into giving you.
6/27/2006
Three For One Joke Special
1) How long before some little kid is playing Lady Godiva with Michael Jackson using one of these things?
2) The same joke but with Catherine the Great instead of Lady Godiva.
3) Someone should get one of those for Sarah Jessica Parker.
2) The same joke but with Catherine the Great instead of Lady Godiva.
3) Someone should get one of those for Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'd Bust Up Her Chifferobe Any Time!
Here's a side-by-side comparison of Harper Lee as portrayed by Catherine Keener in 'Capote' and actual Harper Lee:
The question, obviously, is who would you rather bang?
The correct answer is not the creepy dad from 'Happiness', incidentally.
The question, obviously, is who would you rather bang?The correct answer is not the creepy dad from 'Happiness', incidentally.
6/26/2006
Shout Out
Happy birthday, Noah. I took the liberty of sending you a strip-o-gram:
Remeber Fat Chicks In Party Hats? Still funny.
Remeber Fat Chicks In Party Hats? Still funny.
A Shitty Situation
When a bird craps all over your car door handle do you:
A) Clean the bird shit off, or
B) Figure that you'll get around to it eventually and just be really careful opening your car door until you inevitably forget and it's dark and you touch bird poop?
A) Clean the bird shit off, or
B) Figure that you'll get around to it eventually and just be really careful opening your car door until you inevitably forget and it's dark and you touch bird poop?
6/23/2006
'Kiss Piss Gang Bang' Would Be Too Easy
I saw 'Kiss kiss Bang Bang' this week.
I know that you're wondering how a movie with such a stupid name could possibly be any good. Guess what? It can't!
I could go on and on about how that ultra self conscious post-Tarantino meta thing was over when we all had to deal with 'Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead', but it all seems so tiresome that I can't be arsed.
So, without further ado, here's my review of 'Kiss Kiss Bang Bang':
Thanks to Go Fug Yourself for the picture that I've cleverly titled 'FunkyJunky'.
I know that you're wondering how a movie with such a stupid name could possibly be any good. Guess what? It can't!
I could go on and on about how that ultra self conscious post-Tarantino meta thing was over when we all had to deal with 'Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead', but it all seems so tiresome that I can't be arsed.
So, without further ado, here's my review of 'Kiss Kiss Bang Bang':
Thanks to Go Fug Yourself for the picture that I've cleverly titled 'FunkyJunky'.
I Want A Shirt That Tells The World That I'm A Pretentious Gasbag
I really am scraping the bottom of the barrel here. You might want to go read Blue States Lose or something.
Here's a shitty, shitty shirt. Almost as bad as those 'More cowbell' shirts that the internet markets to the flip-flop and backward-baseball-cap crowd.
Anywho - that brings me to today's poll. Who is worse:
A) The person who writes the express line signs at the grocery store that read, "15 items or less," or
B) The people who will remark to anyone within earshot that it should read, "... fewer?"
I'm leaning toward B.
Here's a shitty, shitty shirt. Almost as bad as those 'More cowbell' shirts that the internet markets to the flip-flop and backward-baseball-cap crowd.
Anywho - that brings me to today's poll. Who is worse:
A) The person who writes the express line signs at the grocery store that read, "15 items or less," or
B) The people who will remark to anyone within earshot that it should read, "... fewer?"
I'm leaning toward B.
Non-News
Nothing is happening today. Anything that is happening is not funny. It sucks, but it's true, and we at the Sandwich refuse to lower our rigorous editorial standards.
Check back later. Maybe I'll make a joke about weiners.
Oh, I know - I was writing a post about how shitty mockumentaries* are. After about 5 paragraphs I realized it was boring the shit out of me so I stopped. I'll distill it to its essence for you, though:
David Guest's wife has a dick.
*I feel so gay typing 'mockumentary'. My next post will likely be about 'Brangelina'.
Check back later. Maybe I'll make a joke about weiners.
Oh, I know - I was writing a post about how shitty mockumentaries* are. After about 5 paragraphs I realized it was boring the shit out of me so I stopped. I'll distill it to its essence for you, though:
David Guest's wife has a dick.
*I feel so gay typing 'mockumentary'. My next post will likely be about 'Brangelina'.
6/22/2006
Good News, Everyone!
Futurama will be back in 2008.
If you have any questions about the value of friendship, save them until then - the last 10 mintues of every episode will be dedicated to a sacharin message on that topic, just like the old show.
Hopefully it'll hold up as well as 'Family Guy' has. Oh, wait...
If you have any questions about the value of friendship, save them until then - the last 10 mintues of every episode will be dedicated to a sacharin message on that topic, just like the old show.
Hopefully it'll hold up as well as 'Family Guy' has. Oh, wait...
Well, Aaaaalrighty Then!
Get out your Cross Colors overall shorts and Malcolm X caps, everybody! They're finally making a Homey The Clown movie!
The best part is that we get to live through the popularity of "Homey don't play that" not once but twice. Add this to your douchebag detector - it's gonna be huge!
Hopefully, we'll see another Austin Powers movie again soon. I can't wait for "Oh, behave" and "Do I make you horny, baby?" to make their big comeback.
The best part is that we get to live through the popularity of "Homey don't play that" not once but twice. Add this to your douchebag detector - it's gonna be huge!
Hopefully, we'll see another Austin Powers movie again soon. I can't wait for "Oh, behave" and "Do I make you horny, baby?" to make their big comeback.
6/21/2006
Musicians Wanted: Self Loathing Edition
Welcome to Musicians Wanted, where we look at the Portland Mercury's Musicians Wanted section and make fun of them. Because it's easier to shit on someone else's dreams than to have any of your own.
Let's get started, shall we?
HORROR PUNK/SURF BAND, Eat Your Heart Out, looking for keys/therimine. Misfits meets Briefs meets MurderCityDevils...
Isn't that just an elaborate way of saying that you sound exactly like the Misfits?
SIXTY SECOND QUICKIES, punk ska from South Bend, IN seeking horn players...
Because nothing says punk and ska like South Bend, IN. Also, their contact information includes the string 'rudebwai69' and I have nothing to add to that.
BAGPIPE ROCK AND Roll in keys C and D, can lay down any lick you want...
How about laying one down... on my balls!
Let's get started, shall we?
HORROR PUNK/SURF BAND, Eat Your Heart Out, looking for keys/therimine. Misfits meets Briefs meets MurderCityDevils...
Isn't that just an elaborate way of saying that you sound exactly like the Misfits?
SIXTY SECOND QUICKIES, punk ska from South Bend, IN seeking horn players...
Because nothing says punk and ska like South Bend, IN. Also, their contact information includes the string 'rudebwai69' and I have nothing to add to that.
BAGPIPE ROCK AND Roll in keys C and D, can lay down any lick you want...
How about laying one down... on my balls!
Your BabyBjorn Doesn't Belong In The Pit
Before we get started on this weeks 'Musicians Wanted' we want to point out a different column from the fine folks at the Mercury.
This 'I, Anonymous' takes on the burning issue of taking kids to metal shows. The author, a regular citizen fo our fine town (who, I suspect, also secretely works for the Mercury) takes the con stance.
The Sandwich agrees. Children shouldn't be exposed to incredibly loud music and demonic imagery. You should get a sitter.
Or, you could do what Satan intended. Get an abortion.
This 'I, Anonymous' takes on the burning issue of taking kids to metal shows. The author, a regular citizen fo our fine town (who, I suspect, also secretely works for the Mercury) takes the con stance.
The Sandwich agrees. Children shouldn't be exposed to incredibly loud music and demonic imagery. You should get a sitter.
Or, you could do what Satan intended. Get an abortion.
You're Here, You're Queer, I'm Over It
Portland's pride parade was last weekend, and we'd be remiss if we didn't offer a wrap-up of the weekend's events.
First off, let me just clear up a misconception. This was not a parade about marching if you're proud to live in Portland. I won't make that mistake twice.
The night before the parade, Mrs. Sandwich went to get takeout from the Thai place down the street. It happens to be right where the parade route was to end the next day. She got into a conversation with the owner of the place, and it fell on her to explain the nature of the parade to this woman.
Talk about a language barrier. Maybe she should have just told her that it was the ladyboy parade.
First off, let me just clear up a misconception. This was not a parade about marching if you're proud to live in Portland. I won't make that mistake twice.
The night before the parade, Mrs. Sandwich went to get takeout from the Thai place down the street. It happens to be right where the parade route was to end the next day. She got into a conversation with the owner of the place, and it fell on her to explain the nature of the parade to this woman.
Talk about a language barrier. Maybe she should have just told her that it was the ladyboy parade.
Keep Your Laws Off Of My Surgically Altered Body
A corralary to this case: actual ladies have to groom their you-know-whats or they will be legally considered gross.
The Pay Is Shit, Too
This and the previous item both come by way of Gawker, by the way. God knows they need the traffic.
Would you say that this takes the phrase 'So I can't complain' a little far? What exactly, then, would make you complain?
Also, can you come by my cubicle? I think I have something for you to not complain about.
Would you say that this takes the phrase 'So I can't complain' a little far? What exactly, then, would make you complain?
Also, can you come by my cubicle? I think I have something for you to not complain about.
Documentaries Suck
I know we're all supposed to like them, and they're interesting and make us better, more rounded people. But oh my god - so boring!
Let me sum it up for you:
Let me sum it up for you:
- 'Vernon, Florida' = awesome.
- 'Roger & Me'? Unemployment is bad. Auto companies are bad. Being poor sucks. Rabbits are delicious. Please don't ask whether unions are partially responsible for sabotaging our country's industial base; it's totally that Roger guy's fault.
- 'Supersize Me' should have been called 'Farenheit Yum, Yum, Yum'. I didn't see it - can someone fill me in? Are cheeseburgers bad for you? I was gonna buy a ticket to see it, but that's like $9, and you can get at least two value meals for that much. Plus by the time you buy popcorn...
6/20/2006
Antisemitism Vs Hypersemitism
Today on OPB they were talking to citizens of Israel about their daily lives. Not funny so far, right? Don't worry, there's racism later in the post - stay tuned!
Some dude called in and said (approximately,) "I don't understand why anyone wouldn't want Israel as a neighbor. They're good people... industrious."
Set aside the profound lack of understanding of history (I mean, no-one's ever hated the Jews before now, right? And what the hell is the Temple Mount, anyway?) I'm a little concerned about what's underneath that sentiment.
Saying all Israelis are decent and hardworking seems really similar to saying that a black guy is an excellent dancer and speaks really articulately.
Granted, it's not as bad as saying that Jews have rats in their beards and control the weather from the moon. On the other hand, I'm not sure I'd feel too comfortable busting out the 'my patronizing form of racism isn't as bas as the hateful racism of Nazi propaganda' defense.
Anyway - this has gone on long enough. I'm going back to watching Gary Payton score baskets. So talented!
Some dude called in and said (approximately,) "I don't understand why anyone wouldn't want Israel as a neighbor. They're good people... industrious."
Set aside the profound lack of understanding of history (I mean, no-one's ever hated the Jews before now, right? And what the hell is the Temple Mount, anyway?) I'm a little concerned about what's underneath that sentiment.
Saying all Israelis are decent and hardworking seems really similar to saying that a black guy is an excellent dancer and speaks really articulately.
Granted, it's not as bad as saying that Jews have rats in their beards and control the weather from the moon. On the other hand, I'm not sure I'd feel too comfortable busting out the 'my patronizing form of racism isn't as bas as the hateful racism of Nazi propaganda' defense.
Anyway - this has gone on long enough. I'm going back to watching Gary Payton score baskets. So talented!
Our Nation's Pastime (Not Queerbaiting - The Other One)
I went to a Portland Beavers game last night. They were playing... um... The Saskatchewan Sasquatches?
I don't know a lot about baseball, but I do know a little about capitalism. What I can't figure out is how you can scalp tickets to an event where the most expensive ticket is $13, and there are more empty seats than occupied.
As we were leaving, I realized I didn't make a single 'beaver' joke. Thankfully, they were giving away coupons for free fish tacos at the exits. Nice save!
I don't know a lot about baseball, but I do know a little about capitalism. What I can't figure out is how you can scalp tickets to an event where the most expensive ticket is $13, and there are more empty seats than occupied.
As we were leaving, I realized I didn't make a single 'beaver' joke. Thankfully, they were giving away coupons for free fish tacos at the exits. Nice save!
I'll Never Mention Him Again, But I Have To Know
Is Calvin Trillin:
A) Garrison Keillor without the edginess, or
B) The Capital Steps without the virtuosity?
A) Garrison Keillor without the edginess, or
B) The Capital Steps without the virtuosity?
Peaks And Valleys
When you come across a headline that reads, "David Blaine to hang from Brooklyn Bridge," there's a moment of elation followed by the realization that the article that follows doesn't specifically include the phrase 'by the neck until dead'.
6/17/2006
I'm Glad She's On Our Side Of The Table
This post was inspired by this guy's comment on this post.
Stay with me - it's about work, but there's a gag at the end.
One of the people I work with was discussing an ongoing negotiation she's having with a potential client. Apparently price-point is an issue.
She said, "We don't want to lower the price too much, though, because that'll cut into our revenue."
Shrewd.
Stay with me - it's about work, but there's a gag at the end.
One of the people I work with was discussing an ongoing negotiation she's having with a potential client. Apparently price-point is an issue.
She said, "We don't want to lower the price too much, though, because that'll cut into our revenue."
Shrewd.
6/16/2006
The Linguist's Dilemma
I was listening to Michael Pollan, author of 'The Omnivore's Dilemma', on NPR just now.
I'm paraphrasing, but he said something along the lines of, "We can eat almost anything that's edible."
Yeah, almost.
I'm paraphrasing, but he said something along the lines of, "We can eat almost anything that's edible."
Yeah, almost.
Actual Names Of Childhood Bullies
1) Glenn Cloud*
2) Guy O'Connor
3) Rocky Kautz**
They never really terrorized me too much, so this isn't pee-your-pants, fetal-position, cry-yourself-to-sleep stuff.
Besides, this was Woodland, Washington. These guys wore cork boots to school. If you don't know, cork boots are basically work boots with nails sticking out of the soles to help with traction in the woods. Or the gym floor, apparently.
I kind of dig these guys because they had such 'Our Gang' names. Plus, I'm reasonably certain that their career arcs have followed the logging injury to disability checks to chronic alcoholism route that seemed to be the main industry of our little hamlet.
Meanwhile, I have a blog where I write about drinking pink champagne in the bathtub. Having written that just now, though, I'm pretty sure I have a beating coming. I'm in the book, guys - let's catch up!
*The fat one, obvs.
**Wore fingerless gloves with 'Crue' on the knuckles. Wore them w/out a trace of irony.
2) Guy O'Connor
3) Rocky Kautz**
They never really terrorized me too much, so this isn't pee-your-pants, fetal-position, cry-yourself-to-sleep stuff.
Besides, this was Woodland, Washington. These guys wore cork boots to school. If you don't know, cork boots are basically work boots with nails sticking out of the soles to help with traction in the woods. Or the gym floor, apparently.
I kind of dig these guys because they had such 'Our Gang' names. Plus, I'm reasonably certain that their career arcs have followed the logging injury to disability checks to chronic alcoholism route that seemed to be the main industry of our little hamlet.
Meanwhile, I have a blog where I write about drinking pink champagne in the bathtub. Having written that just now, though, I'm pretty sure I have a beating coming. I'm in the book, guys - let's catch up!
*The fat one, obvs.
**Wore fingerless gloves with 'Crue' on the knuckles. Wore them w/out a trace of irony.
This Week In Rap Battles
Apparently Jigga is boycotting Cristal.
In one corner we have "Best Rapper Alive(tm)," Jay-Z.
In the other, the prefered drink of Bentley-and-baseball-cap crowd.
This is a tough contest to handicap. I'm not sure whether Memphis Bleek will unconsciously reach for a bottle the next time his throat gets dry. On the other hand, 'Krug' does ryhme with 'thug', so there might be some market elasticity built in there.
We'll see. In the mean time, the Sandwich will be drinking Cook's strawberry sparkling wine (Yeah, it's pink? What?) at an as-yet undisclosed location*.
*The bathtub.
In one corner we have "Best Rapper Alive(tm)," Jay-Z.
In the other, the prefered drink of Bentley-and-baseball-cap crowd.
This is a tough contest to handicap. I'm not sure whether Memphis Bleek will unconsciously reach for a bottle the next time his throat gets dry. On the other hand, 'Krug' does ryhme with 'thug', so there might be some market elasticity built in there.
We'll see. In the mean time, the Sandwich will be drinking Cook's strawberry sparkling wine (Yeah, it's pink? What?) at an as-yet undisclosed location*.
*The bathtub.
6/15/2006
The Death Of Bling?
Get your Jesus piece now, son. Jacob The Jeweller is going up top for a long time.
The first person to point me to a 'Free Jacob The Jeweller' shirt wins.
The first person to point me to a 'Free Jacob The Jeweller' shirt wins.
The Sandwich Takes On Affirmative Action (There Is A Joke In Here - Be Patient)
It's easy to say that affirmative action is a form of state-sponsored reverse racism, but that's a myopic view.
Sure - the playing field has been leveled, but when one race has dominated an industry for so long you can't tell me that there aren't residual barriers to entry even after all of the explicit methods for racial exclusion have been removed.
That's why it's so nice to see someone find an injustice and do something about it.
Sure - the playing field has been leveled, but when one race has dominated an industry for so long you can't tell me that there aren't residual barriers to entry even after all of the explicit methods for racial exclusion have been removed.
That's why it's so nice to see someone find an injustice and do something about it.
While We're On The Subject Of Shitting, Here's The Easiest Joke I'll Ever Write
You'll need this when the next John Mayer* album comes out.
*James Blunt, Maroon 5, and Daniel Powter also work for the purposes of this joke.
*James Blunt, Maroon 5, and Daniel Powter also work for the purposes of this joke.
For Immediate Distribution
Confidential to the last guy to use the handicapped stall on the first floor:
I'm not going into detail - you know what you did. I'm not sure how you accomplished it, but I have to assume that you are genuinely handicapped.
On the other hand, if there were a Cirque du Soleil of shitting you could easily join the cast.
See a doctor.
Love,
The Sandwich.
I'm not going into detail - you know what you did. I'm not sure how you accomplished it, but I have to assume that you are genuinely handicapped.
On the other hand, if there were a Cirque du Soleil of shitting you could easily join the cast.
See a doctor.
Love,
The Sandwich.
Egging On The Piven / Dorff Beef
We're loving the fallout from Ari vs. the vampire. Fer instance, this.
I love the whole 'I'm a total twink except I have sex with tons of lady's vaginas' thing.
I have a theory about why he's never been a babydaddy. It's 4am, and you take tonight's conquest home with you. She won't let you touch her crotch and insists that you turn the lights off. Come on, Dorff. It sounds like you've played the tuck-back-and-pretend game enough times to figure out why "she" didn't get pregnant.
I love the whole 'I'm a total twink except I have sex with tons of lady's vaginas' thing.
I have a theory about why he's never been a babydaddy. It's 4am, and you take tonight's conquest home with you. She won't let you touch her crotch and insists that you turn the lights off. Come on, Dorff. It sounds like you've played the tuck-back-and-pretend game enough times to figure out why "she" didn't get pregnant.
6/14/2006
Thank Me Later
This is the funniest single comic ever.
Aside from writing good gags, Tony Millionaire is an incredible artist. See any drawing of a ship, for example.
Go buy his shit.
Aside from writing good gags, Tony Millionaire is an incredible artist. See any drawing of a ship, for example.
Go buy his shit.
Musicians Wanted: Short But Sweet Edition
Our occasional column in which we cull the best of the best from the Portland Mercury's "Musicians Wanted" ads. This time out, we'll keep our responses short. We know your time is valuable.
AUTOTOPIA IS LOOKING for singer, songwriter, guitar, clarinet, synth, theremin? Into: Twin Peaks/Nick Drake/Ladytron/Vampyros Lesbos/Claudine Longet/Bowie/Buckminster Fuller...
I can play moog and I live in a geodesic dome. Can I join?
ECCENTRIC INDIE FOLK/FUZZ band wants TUBA, TROMBONE, VIOLIN, and ACCORDIAN for live shows. We will eat Portland alive. No theremins...
Well, fuck you, then. I'm joining Autotopia anyway.
SEEK 1 PERSON to play bass & guitar. We are 30+ hobby band into Pixies, Janes Addiction, Blues Traveler...
Hmm. Let me guess what year you had your first kid.
AUTOTOPIA IS LOOKING for singer, songwriter, guitar, clarinet, synth, theremin? Into: Twin Peaks/Nick Drake/Ladytron/Vampyros Lesbos/Claudine Longet/Bowie/Buckminster Fuller...
I can play moog and I live in a geodesic dome. Can I join?
ECCENTRIC INDIE FOLK/FUZZ band wants TUBA, TROMBONE, VIOLIN, and ACCORDIAN for live shows. We will eat Portland alive. No theremins...
Well, fuck you, then. I'm joining Autotopia anyway.
SEEK 1 PERSON to play bass & guitar. We are 30+ hobby band into Pixies, Janes Addiction, Blues Traveler...
Hmm. Let me guess what year you had your first kid.
Biters And Dick Riders
Hey, 'Daily Show'!
Remember when Al Zarquai was killed last week? You had a bit about how they identified him by his horizontal ass-crack.
I bet you motherfuckers thought I wouldn't notice.
As if the first time wasn't bad enough.
Anyway - you might want to start sleeping in shifts.
Remember when Al Zarquai was killed last week? You had a bit about how they identified him by his horizontal ass-crack.
I bet you motherfuckers thought I wouldn't notice.
As if the first time wasn't bad enough.
Anyway - you might want to start sleeping in shifts.
Apparently Someone Didn't Spend Her Entire Childhood Playing D&D
Last night Mrs. Sandwich and I were watching a 'Law And Order' episode wherein someone posited that lethal injection is barbaric.
In a moment of uncharacteristic callousness and bloodlust she (the wife) said, "That's not barbaric. Being beaten to death with one of those ball-thingees is barbaric."
It took me a minute to suss out what she was refering to. I first suggested that a "ball-thingee" was a flail, but she said, "No - what's the word for the kind without the chain?"
"A mace," I replied.
At that moment I realized that, as much as we have in common, we are two different people. And by that I mean that I'm the type of person who knows the difference between a mace and a flail. You decide which type is worse; I'll give you a clue: the type of person who knows the difference between a mace and a flail is worse.
I think I may have lost her when I added that a morning star was another variation of this type of weapon.
Tonight we're going to explore the difference between a halberd and a polaxe. If you know what I mean.
Note to commentors: Please feel free to trot out any Gary Gygax jokes you may have stashed away. Anything concerning hit points is doubly apt.
In a moment of uncharacteristic callousness and bloodlust she (the wife) said, "That's not barbaric. Being beaten to death with one of those ball-thingees is barbaric."
It took me a minute to suss out what she was refering to. I first suggested that a "ball-thingee" was a flail, but she said, "No - what's the word for the kind without the chain?"
"A mace," I replied.
At that moment I realized that, as much as we have in common, we are two different people. And by that I mean that I'm the type of person who knows the difference between a mace and a flail. You decide which type is worse; I'll give you a clue: the type of person who knows the difference between a mace and a flail is worse.
I think I may have lost her when I added that a morning star was another variation of this type of weapon.
Tonight we're going to explore the difference between a halberd and a polaxe. If you know what I mean.
Note to commentors: Please feel free to trot out any Gary Gygax jokes you may have stashed away. Anything concerning hit points is doubly apt.
Club Sandwich Movie Reviews: 'Derailed'
Wow.
If my wife were in this movie, I'd leave her and move to Namibia, too. Rachel looks a little rugged these days - it looks like she was dumped on her face, not on her ass.
I have a theory that Giancarlo Esposito is your go-to guy when you need an "ethnic" cop. See also, 'Carlito's Way: Episode 1 - The Puerto Rican Menace'. I also have a theory that no cops in this movie have ever seen an episode of 'CSI'.
If you need any further evidence to prove this movie sucked (short of seeing it, which I don't recommend) I can offer Xzibit A.
SPOILER ALERT: Apparently, Wu-Tang Clan is something to fuck with.
If my wife were in this movie, I'd leave her and move to Namibia, too. Rachel looks a little rugged these days - it looks like she was dumped on her face, not on her ass.
I have a theory that Giancarlo Esposito is your go-to guy when you need an "ethnic" cop. See also, 'Carlito's Way: Episode 1 - The Puerto Rican Menace'. I also have a theory that no cops in this movie have ever seen an episode of 'CSI'.
If you need any further evidence to prove this movie sucked (short of seeing it, which I don't recommend) I can offer Xzibit A.
SPOILER ALERT: Apparently, Wu-Tang Clan is something to fuck with.
6/13/2006
State Of The Sandwich, June 2006
If you aren't a fan of incisive political analysis, you may want to skip this post.
In one corner, we have the Republicans. They control the legislative and executive branches of our government. Arguably, the judicial, too.
In the opposite corner? A loser with a movie based on a slideshow. Did you know that AV nerds are never voted homecoming king?
As much as I am concerned about global warming (I recycle all of my McDLT containers) I just can't see gaining a lot of traction with a movie called 'An Inconvenient Truth'. It just doesn't have the same zaz as say, 'Mission Impossible'. I can't see running through the streets yelling, "Beware of the truth! It's INCONVENIENT!!"
Can someone get me pictures of Bush fucking a dead baby, please? I think that's what it's going to take.
In one corner, we have the Republicans. They control the legislative and executive branches of our government. Arguably, the judicial, too.
In the opposite corner? A loser with a movie based on a slideshow. Did you know that AV nerds are never voted homecoming king?
As much as I am concerned about global warming (I recycle all of my McDLT containers) I just can't see gaining a lot of traction with a movie called 'An Inconvenient Truth'. It just doesn't have the same zaz as say, 'Mission Impossible'. I can't see running through the streets yelling, "Beware of the truth! It's INCONVENIENT!!"
Can someone get me pictures of Bush fucking a dead baby, please? I think that's what it's going to take.
A Very Special 'Dharma And Greg'
The best thing about this story is that everyone involved is completely retarded.
If you're wondering who is the most retarded I'll give you a clue: his first name is 'Bodhi'. That just screams flip-flops and cargo shorts. Nice going, baby-boomers. Way to create an entire generation of overly-entitled psychic cripples with no discernment whatsoever.
Hey, wait a minute. TV's Dharma is married to a dude named Bodhi in real life? Sadly, I just put that together. Fuck.
If you're wondering who is the most retarded I'll give you a clue: his first name is 'Bodhi'. That just screams flip-flops and cargo shorts. Nice going, baby-boomers. Way to create an entire generation of overly-entitled psychic cripples with no discernment whatsoever.
Hey, wait a minute. TV's Dharma is married to a dude named Bodhi in real life? Sadly, I just put that together. Fuck.
Spam-A-Little-Less
John Clese is retiring from comedy. Frankly, having seen 'Fawlty Towers', I expected him to be fired from comedy much sooner.
He says he's moving on teach comedy to the up-and-comers of the world. You know what they say: those who can, do; those who can't, teach.
He says he's moving on teach comedy to the up-and-comers of the world. You know what they say: those who can, do; those who can't, teach.
6/12/2006
Either Way They're Awfully Colorful!
Here's a fun game. Tell me which picture came from the Puerto Rican Day parade in New York and which came from the Gay Pride parade in San Francisco.
More On Bikes And AIDS
Last week I asked whether bikes are worse than AIDS. While this is, as far as I'm concerned, an open question, I wondered if there might be some overlap.
After extensive (read: no) research, I've come up with the following risk analysis:
I think it's clear where our outreach needs to be focused.
After extensive (read: no) research, I've come up with the following risk analysis:
I think it's clear where our outreach needs to be focused.
Myspace Tom Controls The Global Banking System
This girl ran away to Tel Aviv to meet some pervo she met on Myspace. This just feeds the flame of the crowd who believes that Myspace rapes kids.
In reality, by the way, Myspace is really just a giant popularity contest for arrested (and actual) adolescents and low-ambition starfuckers.
In this case, though, blaming Myspace is particularly preposterous - it seems like the logical equivalent of blaming the Jews.
In reality, by the way, Myspace is really just a giant popularity contest for arrested (and actual) adolescents and low-ambition starfuckers.
In this case, though, blaming Myspace is particularly preposterous - it seems like the logical equivalent of blaming the Jews.
Because They Aaaarrrre!
Pirates are out. Sorry. Ninjas, too, but that's for another post.
Talk Like A Pirate Day? Over. The zillion jokes that rely on the device used in the title of this post? No. Skull-and-crossbones stickers on your semi-restored, rockabilly Thunderbird? 'Fraid not.
How can I speak with such authority on this? Because my company picnic will be pirate themed this year.
Things that are still in:
Talk Like A Pirate Day? Over. The zillion jokes that rely on the device used in the title of this post? No. Skull-and-crossbones stickers on your semi-restored, rockabilly Thunderbird? 'Fraid not.
How can I speak with such authority on this? Because my company picnic will be pirate themed this year.
Things that are still in:
- Friday
- Wassup
- 'Austin Powers'
- Macarena
Threat Level: Crackley And Yellow
This morning on CNN there was a story about a huge fire at a petroleum plant that was caused by a lightning strike.
Lats week, some lady was killed by lightning while on her knees praying.
Every year there's at least one massive forest fire caused by lightning stikes.
The solution? A War On Lightning. If you live in Asgard and have a giant magic hammer, I'd start sweating right about now. Bring it on!
Lats week, some lady was killed by lightning while on her knees praying.
Every year there's at least one massive forest fire caused by lightning stikes.
The solution? A War On Lightning. If you live in Asgard and have a giant magic hammer, I'd start sweating right about now. Bring it on!
6/09/2006
It Depends On Which You Have To Live With On A Daily Basis For The Rest Of Your Life
OK, so I think we settled the question of whether bikes are worse than busses. Clearly they are.
So let's up the ante. There's a bike ride that starts tomorrow (I think) that goes from San Francisco to LA and raises money to fight AIDS. It takes a week and sounds hellish.
So, which is worse:
A) Bikes, or
B) AIDS?
Not so clear cut now, is it?
So let's up the ante. There's a bike ride that starts tomorrow (I think) that goes from San Francisco to LA and raises money to fight AIDS. It takes a week and sounds hellish.
So, which is worse:
A) Bikes, or
B) AIDS?
Not so clear cut now, is it?
They Are, After All, An Emotional People
You know that Indian from the pollution commercial? His name is Iron Eyes Cody and he's approximately as much a Native American as I am.
This is common enough knowledge that it was a minor sub-plot on 'The Sopranos,' but I just learned about it yesterday. Apparently, his real name was Espera DeCorti and he was the son of Sicilian immigrants.
That certainly explains all of the crying, doesn't it?
This is common enough knowledge that it was a minor sub-plot on 'The Sopranos,' but I just learned about it yesterday. Apparently, his real name was Espera DeCorti and he was the son of Sicilian immigrants.
That certainly explains all of the crying, doesn't it?
Not Exactly A Chicken McNugget
In the gossip section of today's Oregonian (shut up - I was on my way to 'Family Circus') there's a piece about Eartha Kitt being diagnosed with colon cancer.
Sadly, it was directly under the hed "Tasty tidbits of dish."
Ass tumors? Tasty!
Sadly, it was directly under the hed "Tasty tidbits of dish."
Ass tumors? Tasty!
I Guess This Was Inevitable
I've been trying to be over Gnarls Barkley since the second I knew they existed, but I'm man enough to know when I'm beaten. This video is cooler than I am by lots.
I think I'll go back to bed until the next MF Doom album comes out.
I think I'll go back to bed until the next MF Doom album comes out.
Sartorial Advice From The Club Sandwich
Q: When is it acceptable to wear a baseball cap backward?
A: When performing cunnilingus outdoors. So, pretty much never.
A: When performing cunnilingus outdoors. So, pretty much never.
6/08/2006
Then Again, He Is, Like, Retarded Or Something
Speaking of 'Last Comic Standing', the cerebral palsy comedian said that he's the first person with cp to be on national television.
I think someone needs to get his facts (of life) straight.
I think someone needs to get his facts (of life) straight.
News From The Green Zone
Well, there's a new job opening on Baghdad Craigslist today. It's hard to get too upset about that, but come on, guys. It took 3 years, and ten times more people were killed by bombs you didn't drop. Today. The celebrations and the swagger in Turd Blossom's step might be a bit premature.
In other Iraq news, I read a thing yesterday (sorry, no link. Too lazy.) about a guy who runs a falafel stand in Baghdad. Apparently the local version of the Taliban told him he had to close his stand (penalty of death, natch) because there wasn't falafel in Mohammed's time, so we shouldn't have it now.
He said that he wanted to point out that there weren't AK47s, either.
If you can think up a zinger like that while psychos are pointing rifles in your face you deserve to be the Last Comic Standing. Too bad he's probably no longer standing.
In other Iraq news, I read a thing yesterday (sorry, no link. Too lazy.) about a guy who runs a falafel stand in Baghdad. Apparently the local version of the Taliban told him he had to close his stand (penalty of death, natch) because there wasn't falafel in Mohammed's time, so we shouldn't have it now.
He said that he wanted to point out that there weren't AK47s, either.
If you can think up a zinger like that while psychos are pointing rifles in your face you deserve to be the Last Comic Standing. Too bad he's probably no longer standing.
It's Basically The 'New York, New York' Number From 'On The Town'
It's fleet week in Portland! Dust off your hookers, give 'em a spit shine, and put 'em to work!
As we speak* the bridges are, according to OPB, in their "upright positions." I bet those aren't the only things in the upright position! Right fellas? Eh? Eh?
If you don't like that you might want to stop reading. It's downhill for the rest of the ride, mainly because of this:
Don't say you weren't warned.
*We may not be broadcasting live because of a giant, week-long "fuck you" from blogger.
As we speak* the bridges are, according to OPB, in their "upright positions." I bet those aren't the only things in the upright position! Right fellas? Eh? Eh?
If you don't like that you might want to stop reading. It's downhill for the rest of the ride, mainly because of this:
Don't say you weren't warned.*We may not be broadcasting live because of a giant, week-long "fuck you" from blogger.
Followup Question About Trophies From Awards Shows
Remember this from yesterday?
I have another question? Which would you rather put up your butt?
(This post was not written on the toilet. Someday, and that day may never come, I will ask a favor of you.)
I have another question? Which would you rather put up your butt?
(This post was not written on the toilet. Someday, and that day may never come, I will ask a favor of you.)
Fuck Rastafarians...
... and their homophobic, bullshit psuedo-religion that's really just an excuse to smoke weed all day. God is not going to lift you up to heaven by your hair. It looks like turds and hasn't been washed ever.
Man, I hate reggae.
Man, I hate reggae.
Should This Go To Urban Dictionary, Too?
I was driving around the other day and saw two crusty-punk girls on bikes stopped at a streetlight. Apparently they wanted to make the best of their time there, so they filled the wait by making out.
Before we proceed, let me say that we're cool with a little girl-on-girl, and we're pretty thrilled to see a cyclist stop for a red light. Now that that's out of the way...
How do you guys feel about a subset of muffdiving that only applies to crusty-punks? We can call it dumpster diving.
Before we proceed, let me say that we're cool with a little girl-on-girl, and we're pretty thrilled to see a cyclist stop for a red light. Now that that's out of the way...
How do you guys feel about a subset of muffdiving that only applies to crusty-punks? We can call it dumpster diving.
Depending On How You Answer This You Might Want To Skip Some Of Yesterday's Posts
I read on BoingBoing that fewer people think it's OK to talk on the phone while sitting on the crapper than used to.
I'm in the camp that thinks that's gross, but I have a related question. Purely hypothetically, how do you feel about posting stuff to your cyber-diary while taking a growler?
As an aside, this reminds me of humorist* David Sedaris on NPR talking about speaking with (if I recall correctly) his sister on the phone. She grunted during the conversation and when asked said she was trying to open a pickle jar. That story turned me off of NPR, the Sedaris family, phones, and pickles for about a week.
*Humorist = not funny enough to be called a comedian. So, pretty much perfect for David Sedaris.
I'm in the camp that thinks that's gross, but I have a related question. Purely hypothetically, how do you feel about posting stuff to your cyber-diary while taking a growler?
As an aside, this reminds me of humorist* David Sedaris on NPR talking about speaking with (if I recall correctly) his sister on the phone. She grunted during the conversation and when asked said she was trying to open a pickle jar. That story turned me off of NPR, the Sedaris family, phones, and pickles for about a week.
*Humorist = not funny enough to be called a comedian. So, pretty much perfect for David Sedaris.
6/07/2006
Musicians Wanted: There Are 12 Steps On The Stairway To Heaven
In this week's edition of Musicians Wanted, we comb the Portland Mercury for the next big thing.
Our pick:
GUITAR PLAYER 56, Clean&Sober, looking for band. Rock, blues, funk, etc. I want to gig, not just garage band...
Shit, man. I finally got my life together and I'm ready to jam. I mean, the wife got the car and the house, but I got to keep my strat. That bitch can't stop me from rockin'! I can really feel it this time. And who knows - if we make it, maybe my kids'll want to talk to me again.
His interests are rock (Zep), blues (Zep), and funk (Zep). As an added bonus, not only is 'gig' a verb, so is 'garage band'.
Boy, spending time in a van with this burnout? Can't wait.
Our pick:
GUITAR PLAYER 56, Clean&Sober, looking for band. Rock, blues, funk, etc. I want to gig, not just garage band...
Shit, man. I finally got my life together and I'm ready to jam. I mean, the wife got the car and the house, but I got to keep my strat. That bitch can't stop me from rockin'! I can really feel it this time. And who knows - if we make it, maybe my kids'll want to talk to me again.
His interests are rock (Zep), blues (Zep), and funk (Zep). As an added bonus, not only is 'gig' a verb, so is 'garage band'.
Boy, spending time in a van with this burnout? Can't wait.
How Well Do You Know Your Awards Shows?
Here's a quiz. Which of these is an AVN award for acheivement in porn, and which is a Hugo award for outstanding science fiction writing?
One Plays A Vampire, And The Other Was In 'Blade'. Get It? Because Agents Are Evil
There's got to be a 'let's hug it out, bitch' joke in here somewhere.
In This Corner...
A three-armed baby? Sweet!
What if he became a boxer?
(This is my friend Rob's joke. I blatantly stole it.)
What if he became a boxer?
(This is my friend Rob's joke. I blatantly stole it.)
Coyote Retarded
There's a new(?) bar in town called 'American Cowgirl' or some such. It's a place where the bartenders are the entertainment! Super fun, you guys!
Honestly, though, I'd actually go if it were called 'Reverse Cowgirl'.
It's really close to the Rose Quarter, though, so the Blazers don't have to go far to meet their future domestic violence vicitims.
Honestly, though, I'd actually go if it were called 'Reverse Cowgirl'.
It's really close to the Rose Quarter, though, so the Blazers don't have to go far to meet their future domestic violence vicitims.
6/06/2006
Not Everyone Takes Two Weeks Off, Guys
'The Daily Show' came back strong from their Memorial Day break. They were so strong, in fact, that the moment of zen was this joke from last week.
So I'm pretty sure that check should hit my mailbox any day now.
So I'm pretty sure that check should hit my mailbox any day now.
I'm Not Even Going To Touch The 'Individual vs Collective' Thing
So, this should give racist loudmouths on both sides of the color divide something to jaw about. As if that's something that's ever in short supply.
Frankly, I'm for it. I've always thought it racist to persecute me for being on CPT.
Frankly, I'm for it. I've always thought it racist to persecute me for being on CPT.
New Band Names
I've got some new musical projects going. I'm going to start a band called 'Firecrotch'. Once we get big, I'll do a spin-off project called 'Furburger'. Now, I know that's retarded, but there is a semi-successful band called 'Fudgetunnel', so up yours. Your fudgetunnel, that is.
Once those leave me unfulfilled, I'll do what I've always wanted to do: rap. You can call me 'Asparagus P'.
Noah pointed out that I have everything I need to start a band in Portland. A name.
Sorry posting's been so light. I've been sick. More later, I promise.
Once those leave me unfulfilled, I'll do what I've always wanted to do: rap. You can call me 'Asparagus P'.
Noah pointed out that I have everything I need to start a band in Portland. A name.
Sorry posting's been so light. I've been sick. More later, I promise.
6/02/2006
The Grammar Nazi Is Putting You On A Train
There's a new show called 'America's Got Talent'.
Apparently, syntax and usage are not among them.
Apparently, syntax and usage are not among them.
The Club Sandwich Casting Couch
Apparently Russel Crowe dropped out of some movie or other. The director, Baz Luhrmann offered the role to Heath Ledger, and he declined.
Just to warn you - this is not going to turn into a Baz Luhrman movies are gay, and Heath Ledger was in 'Brokeback Mountain' thing. Sorry to disappoint.
It is going to turn into a suggestion for a replacement for Russel Crowe, though. Maybe this guy:
Just to warn you - this is not going to turn into a Baz Luhrman movies are gay, and Heath Ledger was in 'Brokeback Mountain' thing. Sorry to disappoint.
It is going to turn into a suggestion for a replacement for Russel Crowe, though. Maybe this guy:
Buying The Milk When You Can Fuck The Cow For Free
Tera Patrick is [on|going to be on] the cover of FHM.
I really can't see plopping down my hard-earned shekels to see semi-naked (or semi-clothed, if you're a pessimist) pictures of her when I can download movies of her taking it the caboose for $0.00*.
Plus, I don't read FHM. Because I'm not a closet-case / juggalo.
*The downloads are $0.00. I'm sure she's paid handsomely to forsake her diginity.
I really can't see plopping down my hard-earned shekels to see semi-naked (or semi-clothed, if you're a pessimist) pictures of her when I can download movies of her taking it the caboose for $0.00*.
Plus, I don't read FHM. Because I'm not a closet-case / juggalo.
*The downloads are $0.00. I'm sure she's paid handsomely to forsake her diginity.
6/01/2006
The Gulf Between MTV And NPR Has Never Been Wider
There has been some targetted marketting for 'A Prarie Home Companion' on NPR lately.
They mention that it is directed by Robert Altman and stars Tommy Lee Jones and Meryl Streep.
I'd imagine that on MTV, they're touting that it stars Lindsey Lohan, that guy from 'Natural Born Killers' who totally smokes weed in real life, and the chick who plays Donatella Versace on SNL.
Nice try, MTV.
When it comes out on DVD, though, it'll make a perfect rental for family home evening. Fun and wholesome. Unlike Lindsay Lohan, who is fun and holesome.
They mention that it is directed by Robert Altman and stars Tommy Lee Jones and Meryl Streep.
I'd imagine that on MTV, they're touting that it stars Lindsey Lohan, that guy from 'Natural Born Killers' who totally smokes weed in real life, and the chick who plays Donatella Versace on SNL.
Nice try, MTV.
When it comes out on DVD, though, it'll make a perfect rental for family home evening. Fun and wholesome. Unlike Lindsay Lohan, who is fun and holesome.
Hopefully, It's Clarence Thomas's
Close on the heels of her landmark victory at the US Supreme Court, Anna Nicole Smith has announced that she's pregnant.
She's having a Trimspa, baby!
Be nice to her - she's gold digging for two.
She's having a Trimspa, baby!
Be nice to her - she's gold digging for two.
Get A Helmet For That Kid In Mask, Too
Cher called into C-Span at 4:20am (ahem) to plead for better helmets for the troops. Here's the video:
Your Word Is Boring. B-O-R-I-N-G
The national spelling bee is on tonight. Set your Tivos!
This is a great opportunity to watch a bunch of bed-wetting homeschoolers do battle with the children of H-1B visa holders.
But, no matter who wins, their parents will tell them they could have done better if they'd tried harder.
This is a great opportunity to watch a bunch of bed-wetting homeschoolers do battle with the children of H-1B visa holders.
But, no matter who wins, their parents will tell them they could have done better if they'd tried harder.
Because They're Old, Boring, And White
Did you guys hear? There's a new American Idol! I think he's the one on the right.
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