Is This A Trick Question?

On Larry King, Liz Taylor asked, "Do I look like I'm dying?"

Dying? No. I think this might just be a problem with verb tense.
Then again, compared to Larry King...

First Godzilla, Now This

Rumor is that Michael Jackson is touring Japan looking for a child to adopt. Did you know that Asian boys have horizontal ass-cracks?

Solly about that one, guys. Most inauspicious.

Your Choices Are "A Disturbance In My Pants" Or Something About A Lightsaber

So Prequel Leia is going to show off her cans. Yay!

Here's a piece of movie trivia:
Did you know that 'Ain't It Cool News' is still around? Weird but true!

More Uninspired Crap About The Black Eyed Peas

As reported in this post, the Black Eyed Peas gave a free concert in South Africa. Nice shirt, Fergie. I'm sure Mandela likes ponies, too. What a thrill to meet him, huh? I'm sure you were pissing yourself*.

Oh, and confidentail to will.i.am: I'm pretty sure the job of Wyclef Jean is taken, but we'll keep your application on file.

*I think this is the third time I've trotted that joke out. I promise it won't be the last.

The Closer I Am To Fine

Well, it looks like Batwoman has the secret that dare not speak its name. I would have guessed She-Hulk would have been the first from the flannel shirt / Rav 4 crowd, but there you go. I'd say the Marvel softball team has its work cut out for it this year. Also, it's a safe bet that her utility belt came from Toys In Babeland.

I warned you posting would be slow today. I forgot to say it'd also be kinda crappy.

So, How Was Your Memorial Day?

I BBQ'ed:
Also, posting will be light today. Get a hobby or something.

Even Uncle Tom Didn't Own Slaves

Is anyone else bothered by the DJs on Shade 45 having a slave today?

No? Just me? OK, cool.

For Immediate Distribution

To: All Coworkers
From: Club Sandwich
Re: Elevator ettiquette

Your ringtone is not funny. Please stop LOLing at it.

Thanks!

Rude Boys Can't Fail

No jokes on this post, I'm afraid. Desmond Dekker died yesterday.

He was the singer of some of my favorite songs, and it's sad to see him go. While boring hippies like Bob Marley adorn the sunken torso of every white boy with dreadlocks and and a trust fund, Dekker never really rose to the same level of prominence despite the fact this his music is actual interesting and has some depth.

I plan to lace up my boots and skank the night away in memorium. Although, truthfully, I'd likely have done that anyway.

Jah speed.*

(OK, one little joke. But not a very good one.)

Only PLUR Can Defeat Al Queda

During Capital Shooting 2006 (aka a car backfiring) this morning, everyone was instructed to find the Go Kits nearest them. These kits were described as containing a radio, glowsticks, and space blankets.

In other news, the Department of Homeland Security got their class pictures back today:

(Chertoff is second from left)

Because, You See, Mormons Fuck Their Sisters

"Young lady, this is unacceptable. Wait until your father gets home!"

Don't Let The Eye Makeup, Hairspray, And Harvey Fierstein Impression Fool You

From Nerve by way of Best Week Ever. I know, I know.

C.C. DeVille sez:
For me, making love is better. I get more out of it. Something could be said for just plain f**king the person you love. Sometimes if I’m in a lovely-dovey mood, before you know it my girlfriend is putting my face in the toilet and saying, “Get out of the freaking mood, man! I want to f**k like a pig now! Put on your rubber dress again!” “Yes, mom.” If you’re with the person you love, it’s all good.

So, wait. C.C. DeVille likes ladies?

I Kept My Promise, Please Keep Your Distance

On Overheard in New York:
"Well, that's one thing men are good for -- playing the minor roles in Evita."

Yep. Tha's what my friends say about me. "That Eli - always playing the minor roles in Evita."

How about this:
Well, that's one thing women are good for -- playing the minor roles in everything else."

(Take that, Margaret Thatcher. And Cho.)

Musicians Wanted: He Got Jumbo

I'll be honest; I haven't been posting as much as I'd like. What can I say? I gotz to get those ends. Your patience will, hopefully, be rewarded with this plus-sized edition of Musicians Wanted ads from The Portland Mercury.

• GUITAR AVAILABLE: HARDCORE, rock n roll, punk rock, metal, dueling guitars, melodic. No long haired metalheads with girlfriends with big titties. No myspace scenesters... .

Can you figure out where this ad went off the rails? That is really specific; why don't you just print the name of the dude you're talking about?

• LOOKING FOR MCS that can rap in all languages to play unity music, spanish and english are covered... .

Do they mean simultaneously?

• PORTLAND NEWEST RHYTHM section requires the ultimate singer/showman... .

I think the ultimate singer / showman would be if Freddy Mercury and Liberace had a baby together. And here's hoping we develop the technology to make that happen someday. Awesome!

The Ultimate!

• EXPERIMENTAL PSYCH POP band the Pink Snowflakes need drummer...

Woo boy - that one didn't take long. Hey, Pretty In Pink Snowflakes - it's not experimental if it's been done before. You're making the picture above look pretty hetero. And there's a reason they weren't called 'Pink Sabbath'. This could go on all day, so I'll call it quits. By the way - if The Pink Snowflakes are girls then I apologise. I will totally french you guys if you aren't bowsers.

Before I go (get drunk) I would like to commend the guys who're trying to start a Scorpions cover band. You win - best band idea this week, seriously.

Speaking Of Mork

Remember that movie 'Dead Poets Society'? Sure you do, fruitcake.

Carpe deez nuts.

(Sorry, this really is the best I can do. I'm so, so tired.)

Wait, The Stoner Guy From 'True Romance' Might Lack Judgment?

There's a big hoopla about Brad Pitt riding a bike in an unsafe manner with one of those adopted kids. Does anyone care yet?

My trifecta of I-don't-give-a-fuck:
1) The kid is adopted - just replace it if it breaks.
2) It's Namibia. Their mass transit system involves tying yourself to a herd of rhinos, slapping them on the ass, and hoping they end up at the mall.
3) A few countries north of there that kid would already be a seasoned veteran of the rape wars. The Darfur thing is no scary bike ride, but still... .

P.S. When your boss points out a problem with your work, the following is a poor response:
"Yeah, well, somewhere in the world someone's being hacked to death with a machette."
P.P.S. Anyone hiring?

Caption This Picture: 'What's She So Happy About' or 'It's About Time'

(From Defamer)

It Goes To 11. Get It? They're Hapless Nitwits. Stop Laughing - It Wasn't That Funny

Despite having Zach Greekolopolis in the cast, I'm pessimistic about 'Dog Bites Man' on Comedy Central. Just playing the odds - 'The Hebrew Hammer', anyone?

Ugh. Mockumentary. The lowest form of -umentary.

Remember 'Patch Adams'?

Tonight on Jeopardy there was a catergory called 'Robin Williams Movies' and the first clue was a quote from 'Good Morning, Vietnam'.

Before I had time to think I said, "Yech."

Then I realized that was going to be the answer to every question in the entire category.

Lessons In Self Loathing

On imdb's 'news' thingee today there's a story with this headline:
Gay Groups Praise Killing Off Of Gay Mobster on 'The Sopranos'

Um, guys? I think you're supposed to be against that sort of thing.

They Were All My Friends, And They Died

Lloyd Bentsen died today.

On the other hand, the following people are still alive:

• Norman Mailer (and the wife he stabbed)
• Paula Poundstone
• The guys from Me Phi Me
  

Whippersnappers

I was waiting in line at the pharmacy for my, I don't know, let's say Antabuse, when I noticed the girl in front of me. Young, tall, thin, cute. But then she turned her head.

I don't want to sound like an old fart (I want to sound like a brand-new fart!) but a lip piercing? No. Honey, no.

I made a couple of assumptions: she's there to get Nicorette, Penicillin, and Ortho Tri-Cyclen.

And isn't a lip ring the perfect way of saying, "Some herpes could go here!"

So, also, Valtrex.

Filth In Public Schools

Noted pro-life activist Paul DeParrie died. It's worth noting that he appears to have dropped dead shortly after giving an empassioned (see also, Nikita Khrushchev's shoes) pro-life speech.

Many of you (esp. sluts) will remember him as the guy who stood (and yelled) outside of the abortion clinic in NW Portland for, like, decades.

I have a different memory of him. He was active with the OCA during the Measure 9 thing. For those of you who don't know, that was an attempt in the early '90s to force relocation of all of Oregon's gays to a reeducation camp called Fagsilvania.

He gave a lecture at a high school near me about the evils of the homosexual lifestyle, and I attended in a know-your-enemy spirit. During the course of his rant, I was introduced for the first time to the terms 'fisting' and 'rimming'.

So, RIP, Paul, and thanks for the memories. The sexy, sexy memories.

His Underpants Hate Mexicans

I'm sure you've seen those hilarious shirts that have ninjas on them and say, "Strictly for my ninjas."

I'd never seen one in real life until today, though, and it was (get ready to be shocked) on a white guy.

I felt like saying something to him. Like, "Dude - do you know what your shirt is implying?"

Because his shirt was implying niggers.

Tears Of A Clown

I've always been kind of a joyless prick when it comes to unicycles. I roll my eyes whenever I see someone riding one.

Last night I saw a guy trying to ride a unicycle down a sidewalk where a bunch of people were lined up to get into a bar. They were blocking his way, and he had to dismount and walk around them. He was really bent out of shape about it and was yelling at them about it - I mean, he was fuming like a crazy person.

So, I changed my mind. Unicycles are hilarious!

He's Evil Enough To Head The C.I.A.

Rather than use the phrase "nip it in the bud," Gen. Michael Hayden responded to a question this week by saying that the NSA had "stangled that baby in the crib."

Other fine choices:

• Shoved that pregnant bitch down the stairs.
• Gave that idea an Alabama boot abortion.

Also, There Are Pointy Rocks In The Parking Lot. Wear Shoes!

I avoid work-related posts like the plague. Mainly because I work in a leper colony.

I have to make an exception today, though. Keep in mind that this is a Fortune 500 company. Even so, apparently we needed this email:
"It is raining a just a little bit (so you might want to roll up your car windows)
If that applies to you!"

Field Guide To Assistant District Attorneys

I thought it might be helpful to have a ranking of the ADAs from 'Law and Order' in ascending order of hotness.

1) Richard Brooks as Paul Robinette. A dude, so last place on that alone.
2) Angie Harmon as Abbie Carmichael. Meh.
3) Jill Hennessy as Claire Kincaid. Super hot, but points were deducted owing to membership in the itty bitty titty committee.
4) Annie Parisse as Alexandra Borgia. May have been ranked higher, but suffered from George Lazenby syndrome.
5) Elisabeth Rohm as Serena Southerlyn. Ranked relatively high owing to revelation that her character was a (hot) lesbian. The possibility of an ADA three-way is hard to ignore.
6) Carey Lowell as Jamie Ross. Growl! She's so hot that we're going to forgo any jokes about her husband's proclivity for hamster stuffing*.

*Just kidding.

Yikes - Get That Hideous Lady Lump Out Of My Sight!

Nice face, pissypants.

Ever Get The Feeling You've Been Cheated?

Malcom McLaren is producing the 'Fast Food Nation' movie.

Do you see anything ironic in the manager of the Sex Pistols decrying cheap indulgences that ultimately lack substance and do more harm than good?

Movie Review: The Believer

Two questions:

1) Who looks better than skinheads? Seriously, if their agenda were as awesome their fashion sense I'd totally join.

2) What is it about skinhead movies that makes me want to work out? Gross, but true.

Coincidentally, I Was Out Looking For A Germs Record

Burnside, in case you aren't lucky enough to be from Portland, runs east-west and divides the city north-south.

Today I was walking north toward Burnside on 11th. This really young, really thin girl in front of me dropped her rig on the sidewalk. She picked it up quickly, looked back to see if I noticed (I did - pretended I didn't), and mumbled some dumb joke. Then she walked into Spartacus (nsfw) and I crossed the street.

On the other side of Burnside there was a pack of clean, pretty, well-dressed girls waiting to get into Henry's.

It's pretty weird that on one side of the street is a junky and on the other is may be the mayor's granddaughter.

The economic divide is a hell of a thing, and it's better to be on the north side of it. Even if the junkie chick was hotter than the other girls.

The Sandwich Vs The Volcano

Today's the 26th anniversary of the most deadly volcano erruption in US history.

My grandparents sent me some rollerskates right before the erruption, but I couldn't use them because the streets were covered with ash.

So fuck Mt. St. Helens.

Oh, yeah, and remember Harry Truman? Not this one. This one. What a dipshit.

Liberia, Maybe?

It looks like Alberto Gonzales is an illegal immigrant or something. I don't know; I skimmed. Anyway, I'm sure he'll be deported.

If we could get all Marcus Garvey on Condi it'd be a good start.

We Shall Overcome

Last Night the irrascible Lewis Black had the courage to take on Fred Phelps and his God hates fags thing. At one point, The Daily Show audience boo-ed so loud you could barely here Phelps's ravings.

Other turn offs for The Daily Show's audience:
Darth Vader
Amputation
Frowny faces

Isn't He, Like, Canadian Or Something?

Apparently the rest of the world is a bunch of haterz. The picture accompanying that story ain't too shabby, by the way.

Here's the best line:
"America is now seen as a self-absorbed, militant hyperpower."

Hey, America, this is you:

Indisputable Fact

Old lady boobs are gross. (SFW)

Your Fighting Style Is Bullshit

It looks like the Iraqi Tae Kwon Do team got kidnapped. That's just further proof that Tae Kwon Do is kind of a crap martial art. I couldn't see that happening with, say, a Krav Maga team, right?

A Sign Of The Changing Seasons

There are signs that'll tell you it's summer. The heat and sunset happening later are pretty good clues. If you live in my building, though, there's an even better indicator.

Every night at around 9:20 a motorcycle rides by blaring Heart or Pat Benetar or some other chick-rock.

It's a big bike that looks like it might be a Honda Goldwing or some equivalent touring bike. The rider wears full leathers and a helmet with the visor down, so I can't tell anything about him / her. Here are my assumptions:
1) Is a woman. Specifically, a big ol' lezbo.
2) Loves 'Barracuda'. Obviously.
3) Is super cool and fun to hang with. Burps.

Basically, she is the highlight of my day.

She Works For Peanuts. Get It?

Are you trying to tell me that Rachael Ray has 3 shows on the Food Network, and she still can't afford a decent pair of tits?

He Just Really, Really Likes The Taste Of Cock...

Anybody want to call bullshit on this?

Methinks the lady doth protest too much. And is a flamer.

I Wouldn't Dream Of Fencing You In, Buddy

WARNING: This is kind of an in-joke, so you may want to skip it if you don't know this guy. Trust me, though, it's hilarious!

I've have this friend. We've been friends forever. We've been through highs (getting high) and lows (no weed) and everything in between. We lived together for nearly a decade; we've watched our fortunes rise and fall, seen other friends come and go, and have remained thick as thieves throughout. I think you get the idea.

You'd think nothing could possibly shake the foundations of a time-tested relationship like this, and then you find out how tenuous it all is. And you can't help wondering if it was all a lie.

One thing I know is true: after this gets out I don't see him Flying into any Vs for quite some time.

Comments are open, people. Go nuts.

Special thanks to Sandwich tipster Leslie. Christmas came early this year.

Unlikely To Be On Resistance Records

I just thought of the absolute worst possible name for a white power band:
'Pride Parade'.

A Passion Play, Or Why We Should Never Leave The House

I was driving up NW Glisan the other night (a fairly major one-way thoroughfare, for those of you who aren't PDX OGs) and a cyclist was riding toward me. In the middle of my lane. So I honked, and he looked at me like I was Hitler. Maybe it was the mustache. Maybe the armband.

Anywho, not being one to behave in a sane manor, I hit the brakes and opened he door of the Sandwich-mobile for a bit of repartee / clarification of protocols. Here's the dialog:

Me: What the fuck?

Bike guy throws his bike down. Like he means it! A huffy tuffy on a Huffy.

Me: The next time you read about some cyclist getting killed by a car think about why. And I'll be hoping it was you.

(The Sandwich hates to waste time, ladies and gents. We get straight to the point.)

Him: I'm a New York City bike messenger. I go to two funerals a month.

Me: Good. Keep 'em coming.

And... scene.

I'm no drama critic, but let me make an attempt. If what he says is true, why do you suppose he attends funerals twice a month? Rule out Hep C and let's say that's 1 funeral per month. I'm no physicist, but... .

And, as thrilled as we all are that you've got a paper route to support your heroin habit, isn't it time for a real job, Quicksilver?

More On The Art Of Self Defense

The Sandwich is trying to butch you pussies up. This is the second in a series of posts attempting to pass on the knowledge accumulated over a decade of Thunderdome-style pit-fighting.

When you're at the point of the confrontation where you're squared off with another guy and trying to intimidate him it is perfectly acceptable to say things like, "Dude, you don't want to fight me. I'll kill you!"

It is not acceptable to say, "Dude, you don't want to fight me. Look at my muscles!"

Extra points will be deducted for flexing your biceps and kissing them.

News Trifecta

Sometimes you get handed a gift and you just don't know what to do with it.

A story where Jodie Foster quotes Eminem at a commencement ceremony where Yakov Smirnov is in attendance would appear to be a gimme, but I truly have nothing.

Maybe it's time I hang up my hat.

Securing Our Nation's Borders One Dishwasher At A Time

Bush is moments away from announcing that he's going to use our obscene abundance of troops to secure our border with Mexico using a little-known strategy called 'Red Rover' whereby the National Guard holds hands and hopes that Mexicans are too weak to break through.

I'm sure this'll be a roaring success. I'm especially impressed with the increased security this'll bring. I mean, terrorists are always sneaking over from Mexico, and once we close that hole we're bullet proof. Right?

My Kung Fu Is The Best

There are these really old, Chinese people who practice Tai Chi in the park in the morning, and I can see them from my window.

I admire them for getting out there every day and practicing, and they've probably been at it for years. The truth is, though, that while most people would find it soothing to watch them, all I can think is, "I could lick every one of you old bastards."

Congrats, Dane Cook, You're No Longer The Worst Comedian Ever

I was eating some Chinese food the other day, and it had that bullshit baby corn in it. That led to the following material:

Have you ever noticed baby corn? I mean, what's the deal? Is it baby or is it corn? Who are the ad wizards...

I am so, so sorry.

Infamous Up In This

I think I may have mentioned this before, but 'Put Em In Their Place' by Mobb Deep is freaking fire.

The album as a whole is kind of mediocre, though. That's hardly a surprise considering that G-Unit is doing to music what Wal-Mart is doing to main street USA.

You have to give it to 50 Cent, though. He's really raised the bar for anyone else trying to qualify as rough trade.*

*You, basically.

Amazingly, The Clothing Industry Is Gayer Now Than When Gianni Versace Was Alive

OK, so, pimpfants? Gross.

The guy who came up with this basically indefensible idea defends it thusly:
Me and my friends had this lingo—if I liked someone's shoes, I'd say they were pimp. Pimp just means stylish.

That's pretty clever of you and you friends to invent that. My friends and I have this lingo where we call you a douche.

On the other hand, it's rad that you put down your frisbee long enough to do this, but making kid's clothes hip is like trying to get bin Laden into a synagogue.

Oh, and trying to reclaim MILF to mean (I can't believe what I'm about to type) 'Mother I'd Love Forever' is going to have as much success as Tupac trying to push his 'Never Ignorant Gets Goals Accomplished' thing.

On the other hand, dude's sister is local semi-literate Shauna Parsons. I wouldn't slap her off of the D.

Talking Out Of Her Ass

Mrs. Sandwich just said that Lil Wayne looks like he has a touch of "fecal alcohol syndrome".

Musicians Wanted: Must Have Time Machine That Only Goes Back 15 Years

This weeks edition of 'Musicians Wanted' was a piece of cake. I only had to read 6 ads before I found this:

ALT.ROCK ORIGINALS/COVER BAND seeks Lead Guitarist. Think: AIC, STP, Pearl Jam, Big Head Todd...

I decided to re-write part of it:
Influences include Guatemalan ponchos, rasta hats. Must enjoy braiding your goatee, Bridget Fonda.

The best part is the Intel email address. So you know he likes to cut loose!

Don't Blame Me, I Voted For The Pollack

There's this guy named Jim Hill who's running for Governor of Oregon. I know, I know - who cares. See if you're so apathetic after watching this!

Notice the coffee shop - classic Portland. I mean, they're putting a Starbucks inside of another Starbucks these days. Who are the ad wizards... . Oh, fuck, kill me.

Notice the feeble attempt at capturing the wigger vote. And is that the best rapper he could get? Please. You know damned well that his babymomma's little cousin's boo, Tre, gots mad skillz.

OK, that's pretty fucked up right there. Making (highly racist) fun of the only black guy in Oregon. For shame. Still, what a shitty ad.

P.S. to Jim Hill. I'll probably vote for you as Kulongoski isn't great. Seriously, though, I hope you do a better job with the state than you did with that god-awful website. Yech.

When Opposites Attack

On Oprah:
"She's a really hip and materialistic Mother Teresa," says Kathryn Lofton, a professor at Reed College in Portland, Ore.

Way to go, Reed college. And we thought you were all just stinky nerds who know how to make their own LSD.

Also at Reed: Terry Shaivo is a really lazy Lance Armstrong, and Cindy Sheehan is just like Bobby Sands except, you know, a big fat pig.

Are You With Me, Fellas?

You know how guys will wonder whether the carpet matches the drapes?

I suspect that they're secretly hoping for hardwood floors.

What Was That Fourth Commandment, Again?

Don't let this distract you from protesting 'The Da Vinci Code' or anything, but today a priest was convicted of stabbing a nun to death. He even carved an inverted cross into her chest. So far, he hasn't been defrocked.

The Catholic church responded to the news saying, "Hey, at least he ain't a fag."

Get Roger Daltrey And Joss Whedon On The Phone

I have a pitch for a great new show. The thing is, the theme song is going to cost a lot. We'd have to get The Who back in the studio to re-record 'Baba O'Reily' and change the lyrics to read "teenage spaceman".

I can't say much more, but this show is going to be awesome, and that song will be WAY better.

If You Can't Rely On Axl, Who Can You Rely On?

Axl Rose says that 'Chinese Democracy' will be out in the fall of 2006 and will be the best album ever. I'm guessing those are G n' R Lies.

I really hope it does come out soon. Axl is so touchy and has spent so much time on the damned thing that when the critics trash the hell out of it he's totally going to have a crybaby suicide. That'll be awesome.

Well, You Are The Experts

BMW has this new commercial that says, "Beware of Benedict Arnolds."

I appreciate it when a company helps to unmask forces inimical to our nation's well-being.

Speaking of which, BMW, what were you guys up to in, say, 1943?

I'm willing to let bygones be bygones, though, for the price of a new car. The 5-series is hot-locaust.

A Break With Tradition

Usually the Sandwich won't rush to the defense of aging rockers / junkies, but we have to make an exception this time.

Keith Richards fell out of tree. HAHAHA, blogs. Yuk it up. Admittedly, it's pretty funny to picture him shimmying up a tree like a monkey to pick coconuts. And it's funny to think of him as Gilligan to Mick's Skipper.

Here's the thing, though. If you can name another band more deserving of the title 'best rock band ever' then let me know. The only entries that won't be immediately tossed out are Slayer and Maiden, though, so keep that in mind.

Because, really, as old and sold out (whatever that means anymore) and whatever else they are, you're talking shit about the guys who recorded 'Sticky Fingers' and 'Exile on Main Street'. So, basically, fuck you.

State Of The Blog Address

I was just sifting through my pages and pages of sitemeter stats for the day (so popular!) and came across a real gem.

Apparently if you do a Google search (have you heard of them, they're great!) for 'bumble and bumble sumotech complaints', I'm the first result returned. Probably because of this post.

First, let me reiterate that I am, it would seem, a gaywad. But now I'm also a resource for other gaywads to learn about hair products.

Normally, I'd be super ashamed of this, and I'd use that as an excuse to get loaded. In this case, though, I'm enjoying the thought of someone who had so much riding on his styling paste and was so thoroughly betrayed that he needed to do internet research to find like-minded souls.

Ha ha, loser.

I'm going to go get loaded now.

Maybe When They Get On Their Knees And Beg

OPB is having it's semi-weekly membership drive, and it is, as always, more agonizing than a dominatrix session with Lyndie England.

This time they've raised the bar. In honor of their new, (apparently) shorter pledge breaks they are soliciting OPB haikus. I assume that limericks are a little too Z100 for them.

Anyway, here's mine:

Garrison Keillor
is awful. You get no more
of my pledge money.

English: A Future Dead Language

There's a rumor (read: too lazy to look it up) that Big Head Todd & The Monsters and Toad The Wet Sprocket are playing a show in Portland soon.

I suspect that explaining the phrases 'Big Head Todd & The Monsters' and 'Toad The Wet Sprocket' to someone too young or too old to have been in college during those shining days of yore might be a lost cause.

Sort of like explaining the phrase 'TIVOing the O.C.' to a caveman.

P.S. to anyone going to that show:
Your red, beer-fat face makes me sick, and no-one wants to hear your boring stories about when you were young and alive. Plus, nice fuckin' kids, fuckface.

Separated At Birth?

Seriously, does Nicole Richie look like a monkey or what? A dumb, anorexic, drug-addicted monkey.

Ta-Da!!

So David Blaine failed to set his retarded breath-holding record. I predict that by next Monday he will have completed his next trick: disappearing from the public consciousness for a year or two.

God, magic is so stupid!

Ass, Cash, Or Grass - No-one Rides For Free

Because I am so bad ass at consuming stuff, JD Power sent me a survey to fill out. They included a crisp $1 bill in the envelope.

The Club Sandwich rates JD Power and Associates as the best consumer satisfaction surveying company for 2006.

See how easy that is, guys? Hit me up on Paypal!

Cultural Sensitivity Training: Cinco De Mayo Edition

I've made a conscious effort not to post about work because fuck work, but I couldn't pass this up.

Today for our Cinco De Mayo "fun" activity we had nachos in the breakroom. I can't hate on that - nachos are great. The thing is, we also had music to accompany to celebration. I don't know if was all supposed to be Mexican-themed, but all I caught was that Ben E. King song "Spanish Harlem".

Here's the thing, though. Cinco De Mayo is a Mexican holiday. Spanish Harlem is (and was, particularly in 1961,) primarily Puerto Rican and Dominican. And that, basically, is why I doubt they set up tons of fireworks stands in Toronto in early July. Just sayin'.

The Apple Doesn't Fall Face Down Too Far From The Tree

The amazing thing about this story is that this guy is WAY more important than I am, but he still has time to go driving around all f-ed up on a thursday. Seriously, Ambien and promethazine? I don't party that hard on Saturdays. My hat goes off to you for carrying the torch, Rep. Kennedy.

Special thanks to Sandwich tipster Ian for hipping us to this (awesome) piece of news.

More Fake Names On NPR

So far we have:

• Neda Ulaby
• Snigdha Prakash

I'd like to add:

• Lakshmi Singh
• Ofeibea Quist-Arcton
• Mandalit del Barco

The best part? They're all real.

The (Ugly) Devil And The (Gay) Deep Blue Sea

Here's a dilemma, fellas. Feel free to post your responses in the comments.

I was watching The Daily Show the other night, and Madeleine Albright was on. It got me to thinking - who would you rather bone: Madeleine Albright or the most handsome dude in the world?

I think I'm going to have to go with her because, like, no homo. But I really did have to think about it for a second.

By the way, her new book is called 'The Mighty and the Almighty'. I'd have called it 'The Mighty and the Albrighty'. And I owe you a dollar for sitting through that gag.

UPDATE: From Wonkette. Apparently Albright can leg press 400 lbs., so I think this is settled. Albright by a landslide. Damn!

Give It Away, Give It Away, Give It Away Now

I hope I'm the first to make the obvious joke about this.

The best is how he lists each heart the leak of this album will break. It will not break Hillel Slovak's heart, though, because heroin already did that for him.

You Know We'll Have A Good Time Then, Son

My dad used to tell me not to laugh at my own jokes. I'm going to ignore that advice. That and the thing about Thai hookers with suspicious adam's apples.

Anyhow, if I can't laugh at my own (awesome) jokes, what's the fucking point? Who do you think I'm doing this for, you people? Get outta here.

In a curious bit of meta-irony, this post actually isn't all that funny. Hmm.

You Snooze, You Lose

You know how there's the company called 'Schindler' that makes elevators? And you know how they call elevators 'lifts' in England? Any you know how 'Schindler's lifts' is high-larious?

Well, apparently famous (and super-funny, like I need to tell you) blog person Michelle Collins knows all of that, too. Because she totally beat me to the punch.

No use crying over spilled milk, but I totally thought of that joke, like, ages ago. I shared it with my wife and cousin, and neither of them thought is was at all funny, so I pocketed it. Well, who's laughing now, wife and cousin?

No one, I guess. Except Michelle Collins. All the way to the bank.

The Sandwich Works Through His Mommy Issues

Today was the day where the annual thing comes out that says that stay-at-home moms are worth, like, a zillion dollars a year.

The logic is that they are janitors, chauffeurs, housekeepers, laundry machine operators (that's a job?), psychologists, and CEOs.

OK - the first 4 examples top out at, let's say, $30K per year. So far so good.

On the other hand, if parents are so good at maintaining their children's mental health then explain Freudian theory to me. While we're at it, explain why I can only get off wearing a diaper and lipstick. True story.

As for CEOs - do you even know what words mean? CEOs don't go to work wearing puke-stained sweatsuits with their stretch-marked guts hanging out. Yes, I'm talking to you.

In fact, if you want to get paid for actual professions, let's see some diplomas. And by the way, a diploma is not another word for a condom with a hole punched in the tip.

Call Me Alan Dershowitz

I was thinking a little more more about the Chappaquiddick bridge incident, and I think I may have some advice for the good senator the next time he finds himself in a similar situation.

Remember when William Kennedy Smith was acquitted on rape charges? Ted should have used the same defense: "She was asking for it. Look at how she was dressed."

The Sandwich: Trend Spotter

This past week saw Rush Limbaugh's arrest on charges of 'doctor shopping' as well as this article in our local hobo-bed-liner about county officials considering a requirement for drug tests on police officers. This after two separate instances of drug-related malfeasance by pigs in the last couple of months.

What do these items have in common? Oxycontin.

That leads us to the Sandwich's trend watch of the week: oxycontin is out. Seriously, do you want to share a monkey with cops and Rush-freakin'-Limbaugh? I don't think my image could stand the hit, and I'm lots cooler than you.

Besides, now that the May Day protests are over, I'm pretty sure the 'guest workers' are back to selling smack under the Burnside bridge...

A Series Of Disappointments Ending In Death

You read a headline like this:
'Driver hits the gas, then hits large power transformer'
and you hope that the accompanying picture will look something like this:
Instead, it looks like this:and you can't help wondering why you even bother getting out of bed.

Either Way, Probably Not The Best Idea

From Wonkette:
"Sen. Kennedy and his dog, Splash, will appear on 'Good Morning America' this Friday."

Is that 'Splash' as in the sound an icecube makes when it is dropped into a tumbler of scotch, or as in the sound a car makes when it careens off of the Chappaquiddick bridge?

Wait - You Have A Z100 In Your Town, Too?

There's this ad for the coolest radio station in town where Kanye West says, "Music is the soundtrack to my life."

Not me. Mine's the tormented screams of the damned. Music would have been a way better choice.

Ay, Mami!

In this month's Mass Appeal there's a thing with Nelly Furtado (a Portuguese Alicia Keys - I had to look it up, too) where she lists her favorite things. In discussing one item, she says, "I just encourage women to read books by women as much as they can."

The item: a box-set of Hillary Clinton's books on CD.

In her defense, maybe it just didn't translate well from Spanish.*

*I know she's speaks English. Don't care. I also know they don't speak Spanish in Portugal. Screw it - the whole Iberian peninsula is pretty much little Mexico to me.

Eye Of The Tiger

Defamer is the best. Case in point: this story.

So, real Iraq has Al-Zarqawi training insurgents and potemkin-Iraq has the guy who taught Adam Sandler how to play golf. Hopefully he'll do a better job than he did teaching David Cross how to act on Arrested Development.

If this training program is successful, the U.S. will be like Rocky in 'Rocky II'. If not, 'Rocky I'.

The fate of the world is in your hands, Action Jackson!

Anyone got any more Carl Weathers jokes? 'Predator' is still up for grabs...

I Hope They Kept The Receipt

The Wack Eyed Peas are doing a free show in Johannesburg that they're calling their 'Gift To South Africa'.

South Africans responded with, "Couldn't we just go back to the days of necklacing?"

On the plus side, maybe that broad will piss herself again.

It's A Long Way To The Top If You Wanna Rock And Roll

We're pleased to introduce a new occasional feature here at the Sandwich wherein we read the Musicians Wanted and Musicians Available classifieds in the Portland Mercury and bring you the diamonds among the coal.

This time out, we liked this ad:
WHITE BOY BLUES singer poet seeks clever , creative project. writing, recording, filming. into ragga dub, T-rex, morcheeba, Breeders, old soul, yaz, punk...(503) [REDACTED].

Pretty much the only part he got right was T-Rex. Other than that - jeez. Where to start?

• "White boy blues singer poet" is cringe-inducing. I have a hunch that he means more Tom Waits than ZZ Top or, like, The Stones. So, basically, nice fedora. Jaggoff.
  
• I think "clever" is the new "sickeningly pretentious".
  
• Plus: "writing, recording, filming" = a triple threat. A true renaissance man.
• Finally, Breeders? He might as well have listed his interests as sopping up his own menses.

Field Guide To Immigrants

In support of The May Day immigrants' rights demonstrations we'd like to offer a guide to help you tell the difference between legal and illegal immigrants.Illegal

Legal

We hope you find this useful.