Screw Jenny Craig - Get Me Pablo Escobar

Am I the only person who can actually gain weight while doing blow? Guess not.

This Joke Is Stupid

The mermaid baby took her first steps today! I'm posting this because (from the previous link) she "had surgery in June to separate her legs."

We've all been there, am I right, fellas? Eh? Eh?

Fuck, I am a jerk-off.

Further Evidence That 'Deliverance 2' Will Be Filmed In Oregon

But seriously, folks, doesn't everybody in Newberg look this this:

Yes, they do. Here's the whole story. I'd totally turn him in, but where would I buy crank then, huh?

UPDATE: Don't you think that this is a scam? Isn't it obvious that Neckface drew that portrait?

Plenty Of Room On The Bandwagon, Or 'Now If He'd Get A Cell Phone...'

Well, Noah finally got a blog. Let's see if he accidentally types the complete works of Shakespeare.

UPDATE: He got a cellphone, too! Here's a pic of Noah with his shiny new phone:

Help! I pooped!

Who Is John Galt? Brad Pitt, Apparently

It looks like arch-capitalists Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt might start in a movie adaptation of 'Atlas Shrugged'.

I'm shooting a movie about my reaction to this story called 'Eli Shrugged'.

I Hope It's A Sturdy Tent

There have been a few tents set up around the Rose Garden for the last couple of days. I kind of hope that they were set up by homeless people because if they're waiting for Blazers playoff tickets to go on sale they're going to be there for a long-ass time.

On the other hand, the Clippers made the playoffs. The Clippers. If I had to guess, I'd say most people couldn't name both NBA teams from Los Angeles. Their biggest fan, by the way: Billy Crystal. Yech.

Star Wars!

I hope these astronauts never run into these other astronauts. Awkward!

The Safety Of Blog Posts

A.M. Homes has a new book. Here're pictures of the party for its release. Trust me - when my book comes out there'll be a LOT more hot lesbo action at the book party.

Incidentally, how old does your daughter have to be before you tell her about the birds and the bees? And about how you can break your hand while fisting your mom in a public bath?

Cold War, Redux

While we were watching the Klitschko (jesus - try spelling that w/out looking it up) vs. Byrd fight last Saturday someone asked whether Russians were tougher than Americans.

Well, my friend Spider Ham sent me this minutes after I finished reading this. So I guess that's settled.

It is a damned good thing that the weight of that retarded system and its military expenditures crushed it to death or we'd be totally fucked. Thanks, Reagan!

There Isn't One, By The Way

I was just obsessively pouring over my referrals page on sitemeter (like I do every few minutes) and saw that someone came here by doing a search on msn for 'Dennis Quaid fan club'*.

Nice try, Quaid. You're not fooling anyone. Thanks for stopping by, though.

*Here's why, I guess.

According To Jim

Nice save, Belushi. This is just god's way of telling us that he fucked up and took the wrong Belushi. Honestly - this is unintentional physical comedy, and it's still only about 1 billionth as funny as John Belushi making toast or paying his bills.

An Epiphany

Sorry to be so relentlessly negative, but I think I've found my new motto:

Movie Review: A Bronx Tale

There's a cool part where some ginos get torched in their car, but beyond that it's a movie for dudes to cry to. Exactly like 'Shawshank Redemption'.

If you like these movies you probably also smoke cigars, use cologne, and think it's OK to wear shirts with diagonal stripes.

It is also likely that you punch guys and then get mopey about it. Both of those things are generally pretty lame, but together they're terrible.

So anyway, if I need you I'll go to whatever sports bar it is where they play that 'cats in the cradle and the silver spoon' song 10 times a night.

Judging by this and the previous post I think I might be pissed off about my neighborhood tonight.

Live To Ride, Ride To Live. If You Call That Living

There's this cliche of the middle-aged guy who buys an insanely loud Harley and rides it through the Pearl District on the way to the Starbucks on 23rd.

The thing is, it's just as cliche to notice him and to observe that he's compensating for his blah, blah, blah.

On the other hand, what a jagoff. Enjoy your latte and then go home to your family. But take your time - they probably resent you even more than I do.

So, basically, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I Almost Moved To Nepal

Am I the only one who read this headline wrong? I guess it is pretty unlikey that King Ghidora is king of anywhere. It would be pretty awesome, though...

Douche Jam

Here's the cover of the new Pearl Jam album:
It's self-titled, so you'd think that the cover would be some kind of defining statement about the band. Not surprisingly, they statement they chose was, "We like gnarly guac."

Their next album will have a picture of a frozen 'rita on it.

And Yet They Can Still Fit Into Their Tiny, Tiny Jeans

What is it with hipster chicks having kids all of a sudden? They're, like, everywhere. Is a kid the new cocaine? Because I wasn't aware that there was anything wrong with the old cocaine.

Movie Review*: The Basketball Diaries

The thing about this movie is there isn't a ton of basketball, but there's lots of diary.

*This review was a collaborative effort, believe it or not. Anyway - thanks, Noah.

The Worst Thing I Ever Said?

A friend of The Sandwich wrangles strippers for a living. He hires them, books them for clubs, and then listens to their bullshit stories about why they can't show up.

He was saying that strippers love Harry Potter because part of them never gets over being a kid.

I said, "Yeah - their emotional development stops at the exact age they are when their dad first molests them."

Where's The Pulitzer Committee When You Need Them?

Page 7 of this week's Willamette Week is maybe the single greatest newspaper page of all time.

In one story, there's this bit:
None of the complaints has been upheld, according to board director Leslie Stevens, who notes that one involved a man who accused an officer of "breathing his gay breath on me."

The other story presents The Sandwich with a dilemma. It's about another clown with a 'This Bike Is a Pipe Bomb' sticker on his bike. Yeah, yeah, it's a band. Note that the sticker wasn't on his trapper keeper, though. His intent to provoke worked swimmingly as a TriMet driver went AWOL (big surprise there) and kicked him off the bus. That brings us to our dilemma - which is more retarded, bikes or busses? It's like a widening gyre of retardation spinning out of control.

Star Beast?!

The original title for 'Alien' was 'Star Beast'. Thank god they thought better of that, huh?

Happy Bat Mitzvah, Grandma

Elizabeth Brooks' Bat Mitzvah must have been one hell of a party. Apparently it cost $10 million and featured (among others) the following performers:

• Tom Petty
• Aerosmith
• Stevie Nicks
• Don Henley and Joe Walsh

What is this girl, like, 50? Or did I miss the thing where 12-year-old girls like The Eagles?

You can be forgiven for not knowing who this spoiled little shit is. I know I didn't. Apparently her dad is David H. Brooks, a defense contractor. And if you're thinking that these artists 'sold out' by playing this gig let me just say that if it weren't for people like dear old dad there wouldn't even be refugees for Tom Petty to sing about. So, mazel tov, I guess.

Unfathomable

Let me just talk about a couple of things people sometimes say that I can't get my head around.

"Even if I were super rich I wouldn't buy a $200,000 car." I can see not buying one on the first day of your new-found wealth, but you know damn well you would eventually. I rest my case.

"I wouldn't want to live forever." Bullshit. Consider the alternative. Not a particularly tough choice, is it?

Oh man - I can't wait to be a vampire rolling up to the club in my frilly shirt and hopping out of my Continental GT. We'll see who can suck it then, and it won't be me. Unless 'it' is 'your blood'!

Wearing My Heart On My Sleeve (Instead Of In My Pants)

I saw the trailer for 'United 93' for the first time last night, and I have to tell you it ripped my guts out.

I'm sure the movie has the best of intentions behind it, but I think it may be too soon. Keep in mind that 'Schindler's List' wasn't made in 1950.

I can't imagine a marquee with 'X-Men 3' and 'The Worst Thing To Happen To America Since I Don't Know When', frankly. Make that a large popcorn, please!

Sorry to be such a weepy bitch about this. Please note that I did work a dick joke into the title.

It's No 'Apartment 3G', But...

...it's still pretty funny.

Legal Eagles

We at The Sandwich may not be big city lawyers, but our tivo is totally full of 'Law and Order', so that counts for something. Given that, here's some legal analysis:

Best. Legal. Document. Ever. I know those things on The Smoking Gun are a biotch to click through, so just skip to pages 3 and 4. Specifically, if she was shocked by item 33 then maybe 41 was perfectly appropriate.

I was watching the video for Rod Stewart's Love Touch this weekend (shut up) and it took me less than a second to realize that it was on the Legal Eagle soundtrack. Shut up.

Who Bangs More Black Chicks Than DeNiro?

Bill Maher, that's who.

Superhead is in the Daily News today talking about f-ing him. So let's see...
Diddy
Jay-Z
Kool G Rap
Bill Maher

One of these things is not like the others - see if you can spot it.

By the way, I'd like to offer some comedy criticism. And clearly I am an expert - I do have a blog, after all.

The worst kind of comedian is the straight-shooting-everyman-who-tells-it-like-it-is. If your name is Dennis Leary, Colin Quinn, Adam Corolla, or Larry The Cable Guy then I'm looking at you.

Oh, and Joe Rogan, too. Jewfuck? Really? Jeez.

There's No 'I' In Team

Two questions:
1) How f'ed up is your company if you're sending people to a Trailblazers game as a team building exercise?
2) Why did it take me two days to grasp the irony in that?

Two Bands Enter One Band Leaves

Is this the sissiest slap-fight you ever heard of or what? I'm sure you two are more alike than different. Like, you're both wearing the same color panties.

Also, making up is so freakin' lame.

Finally, Brandon Flowers? Guh-heyyy!

Some Advice For The Ladies

If this guy shows up at your front door offering a free breast exam do not let him honk your boobies.

It's cool if I do, though.

Bonnie And Clyde

This chick smuggled weed and a grenade into prison for her husband. In her cooter.

Now that is a ride-or-die bitch right there.

420!!

Today is 4/20. I can't wait to get rippingly stoned.

How are you going to celebrate Hitler's birthday?

Also, on this day in 1653, Oliver Cromwell dissolved the Rump Parliment. Heh - rump.

Nothing, Tra La La?

David Bowie is very disappointed in you.

Alternatively Penised

I just read a review of review of Soul Positions new record that described their fan-base as devotees of 'sub-mainstream' rap.

You aren't fooling anyone, though. You can call it that, or underground, or alternative, or (god forbid) indie, but it all means the same thing. You're the jagoff wearing an empty backback in the front row of a Roots concert.

That pretty much makes you the younger brother of the guy in the Corona sunvisor in the front row of the Dave Matthews concert.

Miss Basinger* Sleeps With The Fishes

Today on NPR I heard a story about housing subsidies being offered to teachers in New York because the city schools are having trouble attracting new hires. One of the proponents of the idea said, "Basically, we're trying to make them an offer they can't refuse."

I don't know if he knows what that means. See, in the version of the movie I saw the phrase "an offer you can't refuse" was never followed by "because it's such an awesome offer!"

*My third grade teacher. Ugh - what a bitch.

Cra-zy Dunaway

Who'd have thought Faye Dunaway would turn out to be batshit insane? You could have knocked me out with a feather. And then you could tickle my balls with it.

What was I saying about R Kelly, again?

This is me after reading the link above.
And a sex change.

Remix Edition Of A Post Called 'Ignition'

R Kelly could not be any grosser if he walked into the General Assembly of the UN with a baby impaled on his dick and one of those pointy German WWI helmets on his head.

I;m speaking, specifically, of this:
"It's like 'Jurassic Park,' but I'm your sexasaurus," he sang. "You and me, hopping like two kangaroos. ... You got me locked in your cage of ecstasy, and I don't want to be free. ... I'm your Tarzan, and you're my Jane."

Honestly, though, he's never done anything that doesn't fit into this general aesthetic of ewww.

Let's see:

• Underage sex videos
• An album called 'Chocolate Factory'
• A midget-scat opera

Yep, a triple threat.

I did like that part in Jurassic Park where Newman gets fucked to death by a sexasaurus. Seriously, did a that word come out of a grown-up's mouth? In front of people?

Happy Birthday, Gay Vader!

Oh boy, somebody got him a book full of weed!

BREAKING: Must Credit The Club Sandwich

Exclusive first shots of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes's new baby, Xenu:


Put that in your sailor hat and smoke it, Hubbard.

Battle Of The Bands

Last Sunday my cousin (who usually has pretty good taste) and I were discussing NPR's 'The World' - specifically, the daily 'global hit'. For those of you who don't know, it's a segment where they showcase a bullshit musician in a bullshit form from a bullshit country. Anyway, it's her favorite thing whereas, well, I think I made my position clear.

They say you shouldn't argue with people who buy ink by the barrel. Well, blogs are even cheaper (free in fact) than ink, and I'm typing this at work, so I'm actually getting paid to do this. So let me do a comparison.

Today's global hit is collaboration between Paraguayan harpist and a traditional Senegalese harpist. It was described thusly:
"The sound of 58 transcontinental harp strings, 36 on the Paraguayan harp and 22 on the Senegalese cora."

On the other hand, today I downloaded the new Diplomats mix tape described thusly:
"Dipset, bitch."

I think I may have won this particular argument. Like, by a lot.

Siskel And Eli

There's this movie called 'Mindhunters' that I saw a week or so ago. It apparently came out in theaters in 2005, but I'll be damned if I recall.

Here are the highlights:

• Christian Slater gets his cube gleamed surprisingly early on.
• Renny Harlin thought so highly of LL ('My Hat Is Like A Shark's Fin') Cool J that he cast him in this, too.
• LL ends up rocking the bad guy's bells.
• You can be sure that the mindhunter will, inevitably, become the mindhunt-ed.

On the plus side, there's a cool forced-perspective shot of some dominos. Other than that, this movie gets Hustler's lowest possible rating: half erect.

I'm A Member Of The (Not So) Fancy

The Club Sandwich is a huge boxing fan. Tonight I saw a fight where a spectator lost consciousness at ringside and the fight couldn't continue until he was carted off in an ambulance. Apparently the ringside paramedics were attending to him, and you can't commence the next round until the medical staff is available to jump into the ring at a moment's notice. Who knew.

Also, Sam Peter's shorts were split in the crotch. Awesome.

Finally, Burt Reynolds was in the audience and was interviewed between fights. He said he was disappointed in a fighter from the previous bout and was asked whether he had considered doing a boxing movie. He said that he didn't want to speak out of school but that he was offered Rocky and turned it down. Like, the role of Rocky. I'm pretty sure that Stalone didn't write the role of Rocky for Burt Reynolds, but what do I know. Maybe it would have won two best picture Oscars had they gone a different way with the casting.

The fight, by the way, was at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Florida. I can only assume that Burt Reynolds was there because that's gator country. And he's filming a sequel to Gator.

Buttman Can Take The Day Off

There's this new movie about gymnastics called 'Stick It'.

My prediction for the obligatory porno take-off: 'Stick It'.

Also, this seems like the perfect time to unveil my invention. It's a pommel horse with a dildo attached.

Make your checks payable to Eli c/o the club sandwich.

Could It Be That Garfield Is Over My Head?

This is a stand-alone Garfield strip.
Either:
A) They're enjoying a private joke, or
B) They're laughing at me.

It seems like option A is a retarded way to run a nationally syndicated strip, so I'm going with B. And I'm going to go home and pull the blinds.

This is from The Comics Curmudgeon, by the way. A good read.

OK - You Lost Me.

Proof from D-12 was killed the other night. To paraphrase my friend Rob's take it's "Another case of violence Escalade-ing in the rap word".

Here's the part of Eminem's statement that baffles me:
Without Proof's guidance and encouragement, there would have been a Marshall Mathers, but probably not an Eminem and certainly never a Slim Shady.

Huh?

Let me see...
A Shawn Carter, probably not a Jay-Z and certainly never a HOVA.
A Chris Wallace, probably not a B.I.G. and certainly never a Frank White.
An Inga Marchand, probably not a Foxy Brown, and certainly never an Ill Nana.

Actually, this is kind of awesome...

DJ Dangermouse Presents: The Gay Album

Do you think that 'mash-ups' would be as popular as they [are|were] if they were called 'smoosh togethers'?

Disclaimer: I know this post is 30 months late. Screw you.

Fuck The Ohio National Guard Just Doesn't Have The Same Ring To It

Neil Young wrote and recorded a surprise new album in 3 days. The impetus for this outburst of creativity? George Bush and the war in Iraq, of course.

I'm not bothered by the fact that Neil Young was born in Toronto, which, I'm told doesn't have a significant representation in the electoral college.

I'm not bothered by the part aboot the 100 voice choir. After all, he's sort of reached the rock-and-roll-elder-statesman status where that sort of thing is de rigueur.

I am, however, bothered by this sentence (emphasis mine):
Details are pretty scarce, but the featured track, titled “Impeach the President,” features a rap with Bush’s voice set to the choir chanting “flip/flop” and the like.

Look for D4L's brilliant re-imagining of 'After The Gold Rush' in stores near you.

Dr. Mengele, Aspiring Hairdresser

Last night I got a haircut. Thanks for noticing, dicks.

Anyways, the guy who works at the front desk asked one of the hairdressers what her heritage is. She said she is mainly swedish, and he said that he is, too. She replied with a kind of half-hearted, "Well, it's a good thing to be."

His response: "It sure is - it's the master race."

Moussolini made the trains run on time, and this guy keeps track of the waiting list, so there's that I guess. On the other hand, my advice is to get promoted to shampoo-er before you go making these kinds of claims.

Oh, and yes, I would like that jar of Bumble and bumble sumotech. Because I am a gaywad.

Terrible Restaurant Names: Legume Edition

Two actual restaurant names in Portland:
1) Garbonzos*
2) Lentil Garden

If you're going to name a restaurant after a food, make sure it's a food people like to eat. Lentils are not among those foods.

On the other hand, no-one eats at Steak Escape**, either, so what do I know?

*Defunct. try to contain your surprise.
**Steak Escape is actually a front for a meth distribution network. Look at the guy behind the grill some time and tell me I'm wrong.

Attn Hippies: It's 2006. Quit Being Hippies!

Two things.
1) The light posts in the courtyard behind my building are being replaced with a design that's more in keeping with the overall design of our building. Fair enough, I guess. In order to accomplish this, the paving stones immediately surrounding the posts have been lifted up. The new posts were put in the old posts' places, and the paving stones are currently piled up around the bases of the new posts. Presumably, the paving stones will be cut to fit snugly around the new posts and will be set in place permanently at some point in the near future.

Last night, a group of hippies were walking through the courtyard. How they can survive so far from the nearest Laughing Planet burrito is beyond me, but that's not the point. The point is that one of the dudes in the group remarked on the posts surrounded by the rings of piled up paving stones. I could hear what he said exactly, but one of the girls in the group said, "No, I think they're supposed to look like they just sprang out of the ground."

2) There was a Volvo station wagon (I know, I know) parked in front of my building with two bumper stickers. One was for Air America, natch - and, seriously, follow that link. The other read, "No Black, No White, Just The Blues."

You know, that's all well and good, but I'm quite sure that the guys who invented the blues back in the day felt pretty fucking black. In fact, I'd be willing to bet they were acutely aware of the distinction. But, no, white people, help yourselves!

Janet Reno Does Chicks, Not Irony

There's this story about some kid walking across his college campus (coming back from a pirates-vs-ninjas event - why not just tatoo 'I hate pussy' on your face) and getting gaffled by an ATF agent.

The best part is when the ATF guys said this:
"Seeing someone with something across the face, from a federal standpoint -- that's not right."

Too true.

Kids Say The Dumbedest Things

To continue our theme of insulting celebrity children and the cooters they come from, here's this. John Travolta's kid suffers from what they thought was Kawasaki Syndrome, pictured below.
It turns out, though, that it may be autism, a condition Scientology (surprisingly) doesn't have a fool-proof cure for.

Who'd have thought that this guy's kid:
would be a retard-o?

Celebrity News Wrap-Up

It hurts me more than it hurt you:

• Audiences reacted negatively to Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston's break up in, um, 'The Break Up' so they re-shot the end so that they don't break up. Related: a new version of 'Sophie's Choice' is coming out where she doesn't have to choose!
• Britney Spears dropped her kid head-first onto the floor or something. That's sort of like a briss in Spears-Federline family tradition. Soon he'll want cornrows and a rap career.
• Some people are worried about Angelina Jolie giving birth in Namibia owing to the risk of malaria. Frankly, I'd be more concerned about the disease infested swamp the kid is leaving than the one he's being born into. Hey-o!
  

Cold 'N Play, or I Am A Moron

So Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin had their second kid. I had this whole thing worked out where I was going to do a 'Kid B' joke, but then I realized that Chris Martin is in Coldplay and that 'Kid A' was a Radiohead album.

So I'm basically retarded, but you like boring music, so I think we're even. Except I win.

Anyway, they named the kid Moses (Malone?) Paltrow Martin because dad's wimpy band has a song called 'Moses' apparently. Which is cool because next time she gets to pick. I can't wait until they announce the birth of Shakespeare-In-Love Paltrow Martin. Because what a fag.

Art Appreciation

A primitive is a simple geometric figure like a circle, square, triangle, etc. that can be used to build more complex figures. It's been centuries since any new ones have been invented, so this is an historic moment.

I'd like to present (drumroll) the poontangle:

Does Savion Glover Need Money?

If he does I have a great idea for a gay porno.

It's called:
'Bring In Da Boyz, Bring In Da Spunk'.

A Handy Field Guide

This should help you differentiate between these two. Feel free to cut it out and keep it in your wallet.

Corbin Bernsen / Corin Nemec

Is There Anything Dennis Quaid Can't Do?

So there's this story (kind of boring - don't bother reading it) about a nanotechnology product that's killing off Germans - or at least getting them sick enough to be hospitalized.

Clearly, the only cure for nanotechnology is more nanotechnology. I know just the man for the job.

We Don't Need No Thought Control

My wife doesn't particularly care for Pink Floyd. It's not an opinion I share, but it is a defensible one. I mean, I kind of see her point.

On the other hand - maybe if she were a little less Floyd-y toity...

Either Way, It's Still Gluttony

I read this thing last week about Kiefer Sutherland (yeah, I know, two Kiefer Sutherland posts in one day) kicking his marching powder habit in favor of cooking.

I've attached a computer projection of Linsady Lohan one year before and one year after she has the same epiphany.

Cockroaches, Twinkies, And T-Shirt Vendors

Here's the upside to our impending nuclear war with Iran:
Ayatollah Assahola shirts are coming back in style!

My planet was destroyed and all I got was this lousy...
Oh, fuck it.

Amazing Race - Abu Ghraib Edition

I was just reading about Kiefer Sutherland signing on for 3 more seasons of '24'. Under no circumstances is it OK to make a '72' joke, by the way.

Anyway, it gave me an idea. Who could torture the secrets out of a detainee faster - Jack Bauer or Sayid from 'Lost'?

My money's on Sayid - I suspect that the Iraqi Republican Guard are made from sterner stuff than CTU agents.

I also suspect that between my Homeland Security / American Taliban post from Saturday and this one that my doorbell should be ringing in 3... 2... 1...

My TV Pitch

Since 'Flava Of Love' was such a success I was thinking that there should be a animated show similar to 'Muppet Babies' that's a cross between 'Small Wonder' and 'Highway To Heaven' called 'Thank God For Small Flavas'.

Department Of Homeland Security

OK - so here are some good names from horses:

• American Taliban
• Beltway Sniper
• Dr. Butcher M.D.

Also, a good term for people like John Walker Lynde and Richard Reid is 'Sand Wigger'.

By the way - my friend Mike deserves 98% of the credit for the first joke. I get 2% for typing.

A Dystopian Present

Since our condo board has a president and whatnot does that mean we can declare war on other condos? Because I've fuckin' had it with those assholes over at The Henry.

By the way - don't bother pointing out that this was already the plot for a bunch of Judge Dredd comics. Nerd.

Who's Worse?

A) The guy in the cigar store in my building who was explaining to the clerk why you need three different kinds of cigar cutters or
B) The woman browsing the magazine racks who was coughing passive-aggressively because the dude was smoking a cigar. In the cigar store.

The answer's easy: they're both worse - than I am!

Trial Of The Century

Today in Zacarias Moussaoui's trial, America's Mayor testified in favor of giving dude the death penalty. Frankly, that seems appropriate - this isn't some petty crime like hamburglary.

Rudy Giuliani - Publicity Photo

Et Tu, Scooter?

Did you hear about the Gospel of Judas? Check it out. Just kidding - that story's here. You can't beat the serendipity of these two stories breaking on the same day, though.

Do you think Judas tries to portray himself as blameless like other historical fuck-ups? I'd say it's a 'slam dunk'.

Jurisprudence

A New York State judge named Sol Wachtler once said that a district attorney could convince a grand jury to indict a ham sandwich.

I'm all for it. In fact - here's the first defendant. The charge: being a shitty ham sandwich. Just terrible.

Also, Big Town Hero has a rotating inspirational (and often sandwich-related) phrase on its home page. One of them reads, "An army travels on it's [sic] stomach." Apparently they're no better at spelling than at sandwich making. Snap!

Aren't you glad I have the courage to take on the hard issues? It's called courage. And you're welcome.

A Guide For Modern Living. And Getting F'ed Up

My idea is this: a Zagat's Survey for drugs.

Hawthorne and 39th* has is your destination of choice for "kind glass" blown by "totally chill dudes".

Visit the south park blocks to "cop an eighth" but watch out for "pigs" and purveyors of "bunk" as they will "harsh your vibe".

Tube has "spacious, single person" bathrooms big enough for three: you and "two skanks" who will "blow you" for "rails."

Foster and 82nd is "FUCKIN' SWEET" if you want "A TEENER OF CRANK!"

This is funnier if you know Portland at all.

*Seriously, three head shops on the same block? Jesus Christ - why couldn't Bob Marley have died sooner. Like, at birth.

Big Black Sex Cop

In local news, our Chief of Pigs is, well, a disgusting pig. I tell you what - if I had to look at his 'naked brown chocolate body' I'd shoot him faster than a Portland cop shoots an unarmed retard.

Game, Set, Match

We were at this store that sells, like, boxing kangaroo puppets and stuff like that. Noah and I noticed they were selling an 'American Idol' -themed collectible card game. I said, "You're Clay Aiken."

Noah responded with, "Oh, yeah, well you know that guys name."

Advantage: Noah.